SINGAPORE: A 24-year-old woman took to social media to ask her fellow Singaporeans if she should cut ties with her father as he doesn’t say “I love you” enough.
“Last was in May (I can remember because it’s that rare). My mom says he doesn’t say ily but he’ll buy the things that i like to show that he loves me (buy fave drink/snacks). We dont talk often, grumpy old man (cannot talk to people when watching movies at home, expects people to talk and asks him questions; if not, he won’t talk),” the woman wrote on r/SingaporeRaw on Friday (Jan 9).
The woman then proceeded to list some reasons why she disliked his father, such as not texting her when she comes home late, turning one simple conversation or question into an unnecessary lecture, getting scolded with vulgarities for no reason, walking on eggshells whenever he’s around, never saying sorry first, and always expecting people to come to him and apologize first.
She also shared some of the experiences where she got hurt because of the way her father talked to her. For instance, when she was cracking jokes while the whole family was in the car, he told her, “Can you shut up? It’s noisy.”
Also, when she was trying to defrost seaweed chicken by putting the packet under running water, her father hit her head and said, “Are you stupid? That’s not how you do it” and left her.
She added, “Watching movie and laughing with cousins at home, he said “Yall want to talk or watch? Watch movie don’t talk.” His mom (my grandma) is still living with us, and sometimes he will scold her when she offers to give him more food. Then once I said to him, “enuf la” he said, “You shut up. I’m not talking to you.”
The woman then shared that she hadn’t talked to him in two weeks.
“What should I do? My mom keeps saying she wants the family to be happy, but its long gone… i dont even know what to talk to my dad without him scolding me,” the woman asked.
“Moving out is not the solution. No matter what, he is still your father despite all his shortcomings.”
After reading the woman’s post, the majority of Singaporean redditors advised her not to cut ties with her father and instead offered suggestions for how to mend their relationship.
One redditor said, “A man usually doesn’t show his affections or love through words but through his actions. Perhaps something is bothering him at work or outside that made him grumpy and grouchy. Hence, he is easily triggered and gets agitated. Perhaps you should try sitting down with him and talk to him about his work life or his hobbies. If possible, do things that he likes and perhaps you can bond with him. Moving out is not the solution. No matter what, he is still your father despite all his shortcomings.”
While another redditor commented, “He’s ur dad after all la. Like what some others said, maybe there are things bothering him, maybe financially he’s struggling and I can tell u from experience, struggling financially takes a toll on your mental, ur physical and your relationship with others.
So just leave him be and talk with him sometimes. If he doesn’t wanna talk then let him be. Don’t have to cut ties :)”
One redditor also shared, “Huh? Last time in May? I never heard my dad say it even once in my life. Pretty much the same thing as my dad, scold for no reason, can’t express emotions or make noise. My suggestion is earn more money and move out, then minimise contact. Once he gets lonely he will change his attitude and be nicer.”
A handful of redditors, however, sympathized with what the woman was going through and encouraged her to do whatever gave her peace.
One redditor left a comment, saying, “Yes. Leave, man. Just leave. Live your life. In fact, do what you love.”
How to survive in a toxic family household
Every parent can be difficult at times. But when a relationship with a parent involves more hurt and is affecting the child’s overall mental health, it’s a sign that the relationship is toxic.
While some cannot tolerate such an environment and choose to cut off their ties to the family to preserve their well-being, others, however, choose to stay despite how difficult their parents are.
If you are one of the latter, here are some tips from experts on how to survive:
Lower your expectations. Determine what they can and cannot provide for you. “It is often up to the kids to lower their expectations of their toxic parents rather than hoping that their parents will change,” says therapist Heidi McBain, L.M.F.T.
Recognize that you can not make other people change. And this includes your parents. To protect yourself in a toxic family relationship, acknowledge that your toxic parent isn’t going to change. What you have control over and can change, however, is your level of engagement, boundary setting, and emotional response.
Don’t try to please them. Though it’s easy to get sucked into the concept of earning their approval and/or praise, you really don’t have to. Know that, in the end, you don’t need their approval to live your life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled.
Avoid arguing or reasoning with toxic parents. Arguing with toxic parents is a waste of time and energy. Toxic parents don’t change their ways. No matter how well you argue with them, they won’t budge. You’ll end up feeling worse—not only because you lost the argument, but because it emotionally and mentally damaged you.
Take control of your relationship. While you can’t change who your parents are, you can change how you interact with them and how you spend time with them. Whether you’re spending the holidays with your parents or being there for a parent in need, you can make a difference.
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