things to avoid after an argument

SINGAPORE: Is it fair to measure someone’s worth based solely on their salary? A question that comes to mind after a woman recently revealed on Reddit that her husband believed her lower salary made her less valuable to him.

“My husband works in industry and I work in nature conservation. We both have good job positions, but of course he earns much more than I do,” she wrote. But “… he said that I’m worth less (‘it is clearly stated on your bank account each month’).”

She added that her husband also complained that he did too many household chores and told her to do them instead because she earned less. He reminded her about how much money he spends on the family, even though they split the bill and groceries. He even wanted her to thank him regularly for everything he does for the family.

She then said that she decided to take care of everything around the house since it would be easier to handle everything than to hear him whine about how difficult it is.

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“That includes cleaning after him because if I ask him to help with something it is always “later”, and that later comes around 20% of the time. He forgets. After our agreement he asks if he can help around the house and I try to tell him that I don’t need help, but sometimes I really can’t do everything by myself.”

“Last time we had an argument he threatened to throw a bottle at me because I was angry at him for not wanting to help me for 5 minutes in the kitchen (that was before our agreement that I will do all the household work).”

“Do I really do too little for our family? I do most of the household work and everything for our child. He is a good dad and plays with him regularly. But I’m not sure that he is setting a good example for him. And right now I’m not even sure my husband likes me and I don’t know how to change that.”

Besides that, her husband also regularly mocks her hobbies, her choice of music and movies, and her lack of friends due to her introversion.

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Redditors say: Husband is “abusive misogynist” and “narcissist”

Reddit users quickly rushed to her defence after reading her story, saying that her husband is an “abusive misogynist” and a “narcissist.” 

“Your husband is a 🐷. Seriously. An absolute abusive misogynist. Step up and know your worth otherwise you’ll spend your life being a doormat and your son will think this is how you have a successful relationship,” one wrote.

“This is so sad to read. He’s a narcissist and abusive. He’s knocked you down so many times that you actually believe you are the problem. He will continue to move the goal posts, it doesn’t matter what you do it will never be enough. He wants to keep you consumed in striving to keep him happy so he has complete control over you,” another wrote.

What to do if I have an abusive and narcissistic husband?

If you have an abusive or narcissistic husband, there are several steps you can take to protect yourself and seek help:

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1. Take care of yourself: Prioritize your well-being and emotional/mental health.

2. Set firm boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your husband and follow through.

3. Seek support: Reach out to a support group, therapist, or mental health professional to help you cope.

4. Educate yourself: Learn more about narcissistic personality disorder and understand the dynamics of abusive relationships.

5. Communicate with your husband: Talk to your husband about your feelings and concerns, but avoid accusatory tones.

6. Document everything: Keep records of interactions, conversations, and incidents for concrete evidence of the abuse.

7. Reach out to professionals: Consult a specialist family lawyer or contact a helpline, such as the National Anti-Violence & Harassment Helpline (NAVH) at 1800-777-0000

8. Consider your options: If the relationship becomes too abusive or detrimental to your well-being, consider seeking a separation or divorce.

Remember that you are not alone in this situation. There are people and resources available to help you navigate this difficult time.