SINGAPORE: A woman found herself in a tough spot when her boyfriend’s mum forced her to take care of his elderly grandmother while she worked from home.
This unexpected demand has left her feeling torn. She now faces the challenge of balancing her demanding work with the needs of a fragile, ageing grandmother.
Seeking advice on r/askSingapore, she opened up about her struggle.
The grandmother, who has been experiencing stomach problems and numbness in her arms, was recently hospitalised, with doctors attributing her pain to the natural effects of ageing.
Both of the grandmother’s daughters are occupied with their full-time jobs and unable to provide care, so they decided to bring the grandmother to the house where the woman and her boyfriend live.
This new arrangement means she is responsible for assisting the grandmother to the toilet when needed, buying or heating up vegetarian meals, and keeping a watchful eye on her throughout the day.
Although this situation is supposed to last only two weeks, she’s concerned about what might happen if something goes wrong while she’s busy with work.
“My boyfriend’s mum says that Popo (the grandmother) is very obedient and won’t disturb me for no reason. Does that mean I am Popo’s temporary caregiver?
Doesn’t that come with a huge responsibility? What if anything happens to Popo while she’s here (e.g. falling down in the shower)? I would be the only person to blame, right?”
“I WFH means I am working, and I will not be able to actually take care of her like a caregiver. What do I do now since the responsibility is thrown to me like that?
I do not have a say in this (strictly non-negotiable) because my boyfriend’s mum’s logic is that since I’m at home, I can at least look after her if something goes wrong. So during my off days I can’t even go out anymore???????? So what can I possibly do now?”
“Ask him to go hire a helper or a stay in nurse.”
In the comments section, netizens advised the woman to voice her concerns to her boyfriend and let him know that she can’t manage to care for his grandmother.
They stressed the importance of helping him understand that if something were to happen to his grandmother while she was in charge, she would be held fully responsible.
One netizen said, “Ask him to go hire a helper or a stay in nurse. It’s not fair to ask you to be a caregiver to his grandma.” Another commented, “I think you should find out why does your boyfriend’s mother expect you to take care of her mother?
Just because you WFH does not automatically mean you are obligated to be her mother’s caregiver, you have your own things to tend to.
Why can’t she hire someone to take care of her mother? Also, why isn’t your boyfriend being the voice of reason here? You’re his girlfriend, not his grandmother’s part time caregiver.”
On the other hand, some netizens speculated that the boyfriend’s mum might already see her as a family member already, which could be why they’re counting on her for help.
They suggested she take on the caregiving role for a few days to see if it’s something she can manage. This trial period could give her a clearer sense of whether she can handle the responsibilities or if it’s too overwhelming.
If she finds that juggling caregiving with her other duties is unmanageable or stressful, that’s when she should voice her concerns. This way, she’ll better understand the situation and make a stronger case for why she might not be able to continue in that role long-term.
One netizen tried to explain things from the boyfriend’s mum’s perspective, writing:
“It’s about compromise. I think her perspective is that even if you’re busy with work, at least you’re in physical proximity to Popo.
If you are able to afford toilet breaks, then you’re also able to afford to help her to the toilet, and if you’re able to afford to get lunch, surely you can also help her get some food.”
Another added, “Try to help out a bit, as it seems like it is not being a full-time caretaker. But if the request grows more and more, then you will need to draw a line.”
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