‘I did not feel safe’: Singapore woman ends relationship with neurosurgeon over alleged hostility from his mother
Asian elderly mother and middle-aged daughter
SINGAPORE: A Singapore woman has ended her relationship with a 40-year-old neurosurgeon after allegedly enduring repeated hostility from his mother, who she claimed threw away her belongings, shouted at her and spoke ill of her behind her back.
In an anonymous post on Reddit's r/sgdatingscene, the woman said her former boyfriend was a divorcee with children who had been raised by a single mother. Although she understood the pair shared a close bond, she did not expect such hostility after becoming involved with his family.
According to her, his mother would discard items she had bought for her boyfriend and his family, including gifts from her own parents and some of her personal belongings.
The woman also alleged that his mother would yell at her, badmouth her behind her back and accuse her of being proud or arrogant whenever she was around.
“It felt frightening and unfamiliar. I’d always had warm relationships with my previous partners’ parents, so I kept questioning myself and wondering how to make things better. My own family became concerned about how the situation was affecting me.”
The woman added that her boyfriend was actually aware of his mother's behaviour. Based on what she understood, similar issues had also cropped up in his previous relationships.
However, she felt he struggled to stand his ground because his mother would allegedly use guilt to get her way whenever he tried to push back.
“She knows exactly how to make him feel guilty—‘You can’t leave me alone,’ ‘I’m getting older,’ ‘I gave up everything to raise you and make you a doctor.’ I can see why setting boundaries is difficult for him, but he’s also responsible for continuing to allow it.”
“I don’t expect anything from him, and I’m not saying his mother was responsible for all our problems. We had things between us that were ours to own. But her behaviour, and the lack of boundaries around it, contributed greatly to why I couldn’t see a future together. I did not feel safe at all.”
Although the couple had already gone their separate ways, the woman wanted to hear from others who had experienced similar situations.
“Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you come to terms with loving someone while realising their family dynamic was something you couldn’t live with? Not that it matters anymore at this point since we’re broken up, but I’m traumatised to say the least + genuinely curious if anyone has experienced anything similar to this.”
‘You will always feel like an outsider’
Given that her ex-boyfriend still puts up with his mother's behaviour at his age, many users reckoned he would never change and that she had made the right decision by walking away from the relationship.
One commenter remarked, “That is why he is ‘40M, divorced with children.’ There is a reason for everything.”
Another wrote, “Unfortunately, the common dynamic of a single mother and a son is that the son becomes the irreplaceable 'male presence' to the mother. The mother will tend to want to maintain a close relationship with the son so that she has someone to rely on, and overstep into his life to ensure she is essential and irreplaceable. Seeing how he's not siding with you after hearing how hostile his mother has been, it will be tough for you, as you will always feel like an outsider in the relationship.”
Newsletter
Get updates straight to your inbox
Others shared their own experiences with partners who struggled to set boundaries with their parents.
One user recounted, “I have actually. I broke up with my ex, as her parents just hated me [because I wasn't] from her religion. This in the end led to me breaking up with her as her parents basically gave her the ultimatum of me or her parents. And I couldn’t force myself to ask her to make that choice.”
Another recalled, “I made my friend break up with her boyfriend cuz he was a mommy boy. They were engaged too. I asked her if that was how she intended to live her life for the next few years. Throw 3 years away for 10 years plus divorce? Ultimately, she left the relationship because I speak truth.”/TISG