Man says mum’s expectations over wedding ang baos and condolence money are straining their relationship
Mother/Asian lady standing by window and looking out
SINGAPORE: A Singaporean man has spoken out about feeling suffocated by his mother, who has repeatedly pressured him and his wife to give wedding ang baos and condolence money to relatives, even when the couple had no intention to do so.
The man said his mother branded him “rude,” called his values “wrong,” and told him she was disappointed in him, largely because they could not see eye to eye on family obligations and traditional customs.
Citing an example, he shared in his post on the r/asksg subreddit: “I've got a cousin who’s getting hitched. I’ll be overseas during the period with my wife, and we didn’t plan to give a red packet to them, as we will miss the wedding (to be fair, they didn’t give us one too, as they’re younger and we only held a very small ceremony; they weren’t guests in).”
“But my mum insisted I give them a red packet with a stipulated amount (S$100), and my wife disagreed. My mum called me privately to insist I do so, even when I told her meddling in our affairs would make things difficult for my wife and me.”
More recently, when his cousin-in-law’s grandmother passed away, his mother again insisted that he attend the funeral and give condolence money.
“She wanted me to attend her funeral. Told her I was too busy at work and couldn’t attend. She similarly insisted I give some condolence money. I’m perplexed because this is a cousin-in-law.”
“I don’t understand why she cares so much about ‘looking good’ to others and fulfilling traditional social obligations, when, for my wedding, she had not even planned to give my wife the traditional four-piece gold jewellery set.”
“It was never brought up until I asked about it on behalf of my wife’s parents, which made things rather awkward. My parents had planned to give us S$3,000 in total through red packets. I’m not from a wealthy family.”
The man said his relationship with his parents, particularly his mother, had always been “rocky” because their values did not align.
“To be honest, I don’t know what the point of this post is, but I feel really stifled, and I guess I’m using Reddit to vent. I want to hear your thoughts.”
‘Your personal relationship with them matters most’
In the comments, several netizens weighed in on the man's dilemma.
One user felt that the mother was expecting her son to fulfil obligations that she personally valued, but at his own expense, whether it meant making time for family events or giving money. They then suggested that he tell her “his finances were tight” and see if she would be willing to contribute towards the costs.
“Next time try voicing out to her that financials are tight and see if she can help out at least partially, that would allow you to quickly figure out whether she is on your side or not.”
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Another told him, “Hello, your parents gave different values than you, and it's normal for the elderly to want to maintain connections between their family members. However, I think it's best to strip away all these and just ask yourself how friendly or connected you are to those people, and what you're willing to give to congratulate or send condolences. I think your personal relationship with them matters most.”
Meanwhile, a third user encouraged him not to cut ties with his parents despite his frustration with his mother's expectations and criticism.
“Continue to be in contact with them. It's painful to endure their nonsensical expectations and chiding, but it's also hurtful to cut contact. Continue to love them the best you can. It might take a while, but (some) parents eventually learn—mine did.”/TISG