Singapore woman who married for BTO called it the worst mistake of her life

SINGAPORE: A recent post about a woman who deeply regretted getting married for the sake of getting a BTO on the popular platform The Woke Salaryman (TWS) struck a chord with many not only in Singapore but in other parts of the world as well, suggesting that she wasn’t the only one to have made this mistake.

In Singapore, married or even engaged couples may apply for a Build-to-Order public housing flat when they’re as young as 21 years old. Singles, however, have to wait until they’re 35 to own their flat and are generally restricted to smaller units.

An Instagram commenter wrote that applying for BTO is “a major milestone that intertwines housing, romance, and financial planning. This can complicate young couples because they may rush into a relationship and get married to get a house, even when their relationship may not be ready for that step yet.”

“I’m so sick of women needing to make themselves smaller just to have homes. There are so many versions of this story all over the world,” added another.

“If we insist on HDB flats being only open to attached partners, this is the risk Singapore must accept. Else, if we want fewer people rushing into marriages, we need to reduce the structural pressures,” a third chimed in.

The woman’s story

While BTO is an incentive to get married, it’s hardly the best reason, as shared by the woman in the Nov 5 TWS post, which opens with, “I married to get a BTO. It was the worst mistake of my life.”

As a child, the woman’s family had money troubles, and at one point they even moved in with her aunt in order to avoid illegal moneylenders, who, in spite of her father’s best efforts, always found them anyway.

In 2015, her boyfriend of three years proposed. The woman was hesitant to say yes, as there were many red flags in the relationship, including her boyfriend’s temper and his spending beyond his means.

“But I’ve been wanting a home for the longest time in my life,” the woman wrote. Since she didn’t earn enough to live on her own, and the alternative was waiting many years, she said yes, thinking that things would be different and that she and her husband would have “the ideal Singapore dream.”

However, as the saying goes, people marry their parents, and in her case, it was true. Her husband turned out to be as bad with money as her father had been. And while he had grown up with wealth, his parents had never taught him restraint when it came to finances.

She had already seen this while they were dating, but back then, he could always rely on his parents to bail him out. After they got married, this option disappeared. This did not, however, make him financially prudent.

When they finally got their home, she was initially elated, but this did not last because her husband wanted all the renovations to be top-tier, and they ended up taking out a sizable loan, which made her feel at times that she was drowning in debt. But when she would talk about it, he would lose his temper.

On her 31st birthday in 2023, amid the threats the pandemic posed to their careers, all she wanted was a simple birthday dinner, but he insisted on going somewhere fancy. She “finally decided to speak up” about the financial pressures she felt, thinking he would listen, as it was her birthday after all.

Unfortunately, her husband lost his temper again and started screaming at her.

She wrote, “The lights of the AYE became a blur. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m crying, or because we’re doing 150 km/h in a Toyota Camry.”

The woman added that her husband turned to her and said, “We might as well die if we can’t live to the fullest.”

That was a turning point for her. Though the couple survived the car ride, their marriage did not. She realised that she said yes to marriage because she wanted a home, not because she wanted her husband.

As the cartoon ended, the woman had this advice to give:

“The biggest decision in your life will be your partner. Choose someone because they're right for you. Not because they're available. It’s okay not to get married by a certain age. Don't rush into it. You know best, not your parents, not policymakers.

And last but not least...

Plan your house around your life, not your life around your house.” /TISG

Read also: Couple’s BTO plans in doubt after serious argument leaves Singaporean man uncertain