SINGAPORE: A man took to social media to share that he ended his 9-year relationship with his partner because “she didn’t have enough ambition.” However, the man is now questioning whether he made the right decision.
“Have I made a huge mistake?” the man asked on Reddit on Tuesday (Feb 27). “I was hard on her because I loved her and didn’t want her to see her go nowhere. I still love her, and up until now, I thought I had made the right decision. Before I said goodbye, she said to me, “Isn’t love enough? ” I said, “Not for me.”
The man also explained that before giving up, he had tried everything he could to boost her confidence and encourage her to work hard for several years, but it didn’t work.
In their last three months together, the man said he decided to give her an ultimatum—to either “give it all she’s got, or he will end it.”
“I know the ultimatum was tough on her, but she had no ambition, no drive, no mutual goals, and I didn’t know what else to do,” the man said.
However, his perspective recently changed when a friend told him he was too caught up in the rat race, chasing goals and achieving everything he could to no end.
Hearing this, it dawned on the man that he may have been wrong to leave someone he loved for no other reason than an endless chase.
“I’m conflicted and would appreciate some views from the outside.”
“OP said, “I was hard on her because I loved her.” That’s just straight up emotional abuse”
There is nothing wrong with wanting to share values and goals with your partner, especially if you are embarking on a new journey together.
Maybe you have a specific financial target, an educational objective, or a career milestone in mind for yourself. But what if your partner doesn’t think the same way? Is it necessary for your partner to have the same level of ambition as you?
Most of the Redditors who joined the discussion said that the answer to this question was ‘no’ and thought the man made a huge mistake in leaving his long-time girlfriend because she lacked ambition.
One individual said, “OP said, “I was hard on her because I loved her.” That’s just straight-up emotional abuse. No one owes you the version of themselves that you want. So did he make a huge mistake? Hell yes.
He spent nine years telling his partner she wasn’t good enough. That is messed up.”
Another person added, “That is pretty harsh. I know it’s hard, but that’s no way to push someone towards their best self.
Ultimatums are usually just toxic in general, but as someone who has been struggling to find what I want to do with my life, I already beat myself up enough for it. If my partner did that, it would break me.”
Still, a handful of Redditors disagreed with the majority and said that the man was right when he said that ‘love wasn’t enough’ as they, too, have witnessed couples who broke up because their values weren’t aligned or that there was too much imbalance in the relationship that it ended up financially straining the other.
One individual wrote, “Your values and overall goals for life need to align so you’re both working together toward what you want. This is a part of your foundation. When life gets stressful, which it will, you need to lean on that solid foundation.”
Another person also reassured the man that he did the right thing in the end, saying, “I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t matter how much you love the person if you don’t have similar drive, ambition, or expectation, you will start resenting her, love isn’t enough.
It will eventually end unless she changes… so it’s better now than later so you can both move on and now you can soar and start winning!”
Having different ambitions
Although having separate dreams and maintaining independence from your partner is healthy, Callisto Adams, a relationship and dating expert, believes that not being aligned in terms of ambitions can be detrimental to relationships.
For example, if you’re the only one in the relationship who aspires to own your first home or achieve financial independence in the future, you may develop feelings of resentment and irritation and eventually lose attraction to your partner.
“Being ambitious in life and in a relationship means having a goal for the future and working towards it. If your partner, date, or husband is more laid back and doesn’t know what he wants in life, that can be quite complex,” explains Adams.
If, however, you did everything you could, reached a dead end, and realized your partner will not change his or her ways, experts suggest asking yourself these questions before ending the relationship:
“Do I respect my partner? Am I expecting too much? Is my partner happy? Do I love him/her enough to sacrifice your ambitions for the future?”