SINGAPORE: A man took to social media wondering about the boundaries in a relationship and what constitutes controlling behaviour towards a partner.
In an anonymous post to popular confessions page NUSWhispers, the man wrote: “I find it very hard not to have any expectation of your partner in the relationship. I always thought open communication about your expectations was the key but apparently, it is not”.
He said that when someone asked him if he would be all right with his girlfriend going clubbing with her friends, he said that he was not comfortable. However, he added that if he restricted her, she would feel that he did not trust her and she might feel suffocated and controlled. “So if your bf asked if you are ok with him helping a female colleague, who is flirty, young and dresses sexily, after work hours, would you be ok? In my mind, my thoughts are genuine and I have no feelings for her. On the other hand, girls would say that this is so red flaggy and I want to seriously meet the girl who says she is fine with this”, he added.
He said that while he initially thought that if he communicated his expectations and his girlfriend was agreeable, then it was fine. “If she doesn’t agree, she is fine to find someone else who doesn’t have such restrictions. I just don’t want to worry over stupid things. The most important thing in my mind is that we don’t force someone to do something they don’t and if they don’t agree with what you want/expect from a partner, they are fine to leave. However, it has come to my knowledge that even stating your “expectations” to someone is toxic and manipulative”, he wrote.
“If you realise your partner does not fit your expectation, you can find someone else. What if you are married and your partner doesn’t fit your expectations? How would you reconcile then? No is perfect without insecurities. What is the right way to approach this?” the man asked netizens.
Here’s what they said:
Earlier this year, a man who was dating a woman older than him ended up breaking up with her because he felt there was a big difference in the ways they showed love.
In an anonymous post to popular confessions page NUSWhispers, the man said that he was serving his National Service whereas she was working a flexible job. “We do love each other still, I do love her, i really do. But we always argue on how often I am spending time with her. I am pretty busy: with my own bills i need to pay, and I am someone who enjoys personal time, serving the country wtv,. To her, spending time = i love you, (quality time lover) but for me as long as she reassures me and makes me feel secure = i love you. (Words of affirmation)”, he wrote.
He added that she stayed in the east of Singapore while he stayed in the west and over time, it took a toll on the relationship. He wrote that he eventually broke up with her despite loving her. “My reason was being that we don’t perceive love the way we want it to be, i could be reassuring her and giving her words of affirmation but its not as well received as she just wants to spend time, something i don’t have at this point in my life”, he wrote, adding that his having to go to university soon also became a hurdle between them.