SINGAPORE: A woman who went on a date with a guy she met online is now asking for advice on how to politely turn him down.
In her Reddit post, she explained that the guy had covered the bill for their first date, and she “had told him she would get the next one”. However, she realised afterwards that she wasn’t “attracted to him and that their values weren’t aligned”.
Unsure of how to break this news to him, she asked the r/sgdatingscene community, “What’s the best way of telling your date we’re not compatible?”
The woman added that she had rejected men before, but that she wasn’t sure if she should do the same thing to this guy who, she thought, “was a good person”.
“[Before], I resorted to either A. going out the second time with the person just to want to “get the next one” (and also trying to confirm the incompatibility) B. Text the guy before the 2nd date that I don’t see the compatibility which maybe make them resent me for not being honest on first date,” she explained.
“I dont know man, what I can do to be clear when I don’t see the compatibility on first date – Can I tell them? Also, [I do] not [want to] hurt their feelings.”
“Just remember, when it comes to guys, always be direct and clear.”
In the discussion thread, one man suggested she should just be real and let him know she doesn’t see a future with him.
“The thing ladies always get wrong when rejecting a guy is thinking that being direct will hurt their feelings. What hurts a guy is being indirect, trying to be nice about it, then slow ghosting etc,” he wrote.
“Being direct is the nicest and least hurtful way to reject a guy. Just remember, when it comes to guys, always be direct and clear. Guys hate it more when a lady doesn’t tell them directly that it is not gonna work out,” he added.
Another commenter agreed, saying, “ It’s best to let them know straight after the first date. Both sides have not invested a lot of time for a first date. Letting them know after second or third dates is worse as the second or third date can give the guy an impression that he and you had some sort of connection on the first date.”
A third added that if she’s trying to avoid being the “bad guy”, she could always act in a way that makes him lose interest first, though that still wouldn’t make her entirely blameless. The best approach, he suggested, would be to be upfront about not wanting a second date and, if necessary, offer to pay her share of the bill to clear any misunderstandings.
A fourth shared, “I also couldn’t tell it right away in person. So I texted said we are not a good match.Then, since I could see the phone number, I just PayNow-ed him. Then I said, ‘Thanks, I sent you back my dinner share’ EVEN IF he declined earlier to split bill. That’s my level of ‘not owing you anything’.”
Turning someone down
Being direct is always the best way to reject someone, as many Redditors have pointed out. Dating experts say that when women try to soften the rejection too much or beat around the bush, it can leave the other person confused and hanging onto false hopes.
It might feel awkward to be so blunt, especially if the person is nice, respectful, and hasn’t done anything “wrong”. But dodging the tough conversation doesn’t make it easier; it just stretches out the discomfort for everyone involved.
If women aren’t clear, a guy might think, “Maybe she just needs more time, or maybe I’ll win her over if I keep trying.” This kind of uncertainty can send mixed signals, making it tougher for both sides to move on. Instead of getting closure, the guy might keep reaching out, hoping that with enough patience or effort, things will change.
Sometimes, without meaning to, women might even leave him hanging by responding to texts here and there, keeping chats shallow, or giving vague excuses about being busy, hoping he’ll catch the hint and lose interest on his own. But this indirect approach often drags things out unnecessarily and isn’t fair to either person.
On the other hand, some people resort to ghosting entirely, disappearing without explanation. While this might seem like the easiest option, it can feel even more hurtful and frustrating for the person on the receiving end. Without closure, they might be left wondering what went wrong or if they did something to deserve being ignored.
Polite ways to say “No”
If you’re struggling with how to say no directly, here are some clear but considerate ways to phrase it, according to Shana Schutte, a dating and relationship coach:
1: “Thank you so much for asking me out. I really appreciate it, but I want to be upfront and let you know that I’m not interested in a romantic relationship.”
2: “You seem like a great person, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. I just don’t feel a romantic connection, and I wanted to be upfront about that. I really hope you meet someone who’s a great match for you.”
3: “I think you’re a really kind person, and I appreciate your interest. But right now, I’m not looking to date, and I wanted to be honest rather than leave you wondering.”
4: “I really value you as a person and a friend, but I don’t see our relationship becoming something romantic. I wanted to be honest with you.”
Read also: My colleague boasts about never taking MC and comes to work sick