SINGAPORE: A Singaporean man recently turned to a local online forum to share a troubling thought that had been nagging at him since his first date — was he being used for his money?
Posting on r/sgdatingscene, he detailed how he had gone all out to impress his date, spending lavishly on their first occasion together. He treated her to a wagyu buffet that cost around S$130, surprised her with flowers worth S$68, and even covered part of her shopping expenses, adding another S$61 to the bill. By the end of the night, his total spending exceeded S$200.
Moreover, he continued buying her gifts and sending her money for meals in the following days, bringing his total spending on her to over S$400 in less than two weeks.
The man wrote that he “likes to provide” and “genuinely wanted to take care of her properly” but the constant requests after their first date gave him pause for thought.
“I don’t like to be asked in such high frequency. It makes me feel insecure and afraid for some reason that I might be used for money. Keep in mind I’m not the most financially stable right now so it is really financially stressful for me,” he wrote.
The man said that he later tried to communicate his concerns, but it didn’t go as planned. “She just told me it’s okay not to give her gifts anymore and that she is really thankful. But that’s not what I want. All I want is for her to grow appreciation and gratitude while also being considerate of the frequency she asks for gifts and of the amounts I have spent. I don’t ask her to 50/50 meals because to me that’s a pathetic joke,” he said.
“I know she is genuine… but I don’t know. Maybe it’s trauma. I just don’t like people asking frequently for gifts. Cause I would get them [on] my own timing with conservations to my own spending. So that it doesn’t financially stress me out,” he added.
“Whatever you do, make sure you’re doing it because you want to and it’s out of love.”
In the discussion thread, some Singaporean Reddit users were sceptical of the woman’s intentions and urged the man to leave the relationship.
One user said, “Honestly, you are being used for money. At your age, you’re not suitable to be a sugar daddy, unless you are loaded which doesn’t sound like you are.
“It is better that you end the relationship and find someone else who appreciates being with you rather than free-loading and having you for financial gifts. You already know this. Your gut feeling is correct. This type of SG girl is high-maintenance. Run!”
Another warned, “Bro, you’re gonna get hurt emotionally and financially in the long run. Go with your gut feeling— RUNNNNNNNNN!”
Others, however, pointed out that the man had set the tone of their dynamic from the very beginning by spoiling his date with expensive gifts and gestures. They suggested that if he was uncomfortable with the frequency of her requests, he needed to establish boundaries instead of expecting her to understand his financial situation intuitively.
One individual wrote, “Bro you already set the first impression on her that you are willing to spend, or have the money to spend, that’s why she’s not afraid to ask anymore. In my opinion, you’re both still young, read up/learn on more ways to expand our ‘love language’ other than just always involving money.”
Another suggested a compromise, “Maybe [you] can suggest fancy dates 1x-4x a month (to your comfort) and then the rest, go [to a] coffeeshop or hawker. The flip side is someone else might take your place.
“Whatever you do, make sure you’re doing it because you want to and it’s out of love and not because you want or expect something back. It might cause resentment.”
“A third remarked, “Do it within your means. Don’t be a simp. Set expectations.”
Signs someone is only using you
Have you ever felt like someone in your life constantly asks for favours but rarely gives anything in return? According to Meghan Marcum, chief psychologist at AMFM Healthcare, it’s not always easy to tell when you’re being taken advantage of. Sometimes, the signs are obvious, but at other times, they can be much more subtle.
Some red flags to watch for include frequent requests for money or favours, disregarding your time and availability, expecting you to handle their responsibilities, losing interest once their needs are met, showing affection only when it benefits them, failing to support you in return, and making the relationship feel one-sided.
On top of that, they may also use psychologically manipulative or abusive tactics to influence your actions and mask their true intentions. This could involve gaslighting, making you doubt your reality, or love bombing, showering you with excessive affection to establish control. They may also engage in passive-aggressive behaviour or attempt to distance you from your friends and family to increase their influence over you.
If any of this resonates with you, Marcum advises taking a step back and reassessing your relationship with this person. Ignoring these behaviours can take a serious toll on your mental health, potentially leading to anxiety, depression, or trauma-related symptoms.
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