‘They keep ignoring me’: Married Singaporean says parents refuse to respect boundaries

SINGAPORE: A post on r/askSingapore from a married Singaporean who has moved out but cannot seem to get their parents to treat them like an independent adult has sparked online conversations about boundaries.

The original poster’s parents drop by unannounced. When told not to come on short notice, they come anyway. When the original poster did not answer the door, the parents stood outside anyway. During a Chinese New Year visit, the mother dictated what food the original poster should eat, in what order, while their spouse watched. During renovations, the parents tried to dictate where lights and fans should go, until the original poster told the contractor to lock the gate.

“I’ve tried talking nicely to my parents to respect my boundaries. They keep ignoring me and saying I’m ‘too sensitive’ and continue doing these things that disrespect my freedom to make my own choices.”

They also added how, growing up, they had to be the family’s emotional manager; they had to be the one mediating parental conflicts, running the household, and processing emotions on everyone else’s behalf.

They have recognised this as unhealthy and stepped back. Every visit now involves the same request to resume that role, alongside mockery of their own decisions. They value their parents and love them, but they just do not want to spend their adult life solving the family’s problems while being simultaneously criticised for how they live.

What Reddit said

The thread split broadly between those who advocate for direct confrontation and those who prefer quieter consequence-setting.

One commenter described reaching a breaking point with an overbearing mother and choosing to crash out. “I told her whenever I need something, I’ll ask her, and I’ll repay her if money is involved. And she understood. Sometimes you really just got to crash out at them loudly even though they are your parents.”

Another shared the emotional conflict of having done the same: “I crashed out once when I really couldn’t take it anymore and felt horrible afterwards. Sometimes I still do. But I’m glad I did. And I wish I had the courage to crash out even more times.”

One offered a simpler explanation: “Parents have a hard time acknowledging that you’re a fellow adult. It takes some time but you need to establish that.”

Another netizen shared how their strategy ended up being effective. “She said, ‘I’m at your house. Your helper said you’re out.’ I told her, ‘You didn’t tell me you were coming. We went out.’ She learnt from that experience.”

The Reddit consensus, broadly, is that nice does not work here. Clearer, louder, or more consequential responses are what eventually trigger the change. The original poster already knows some of this: they locked the gate during renovations. The door they did not answer was a version of the same instinct. The question is whether they are ready to apply that instinct more consistently, and to live with the discomfort that comes with it.