SINGAPORE: A 29-year-old took to an online forum on Tuesday (Oct 15) to share his struggles with his parents, whom he feels just had him as a retirement plan. “Sometimes I can’t help but hate them,” he said. However, despite the resentment he feels, the writer shared that he still feels guilty whenever he prioritises himself. With this, he turned to Singaporeans for advice. Many took to the comments section with insights into his dilemma.
Feeling like a retirement plan
“Casting a wide net to ask for perspective and advice on the internet,” he wrote, sharing his sentiments when it comes to his parents. “I love my parents but I don’t like them. Sometimes I can’t help but hate them,” he shared. “They had me just as a retirement plan. Their marriage isn’t a happy one. And my mum who has been a housewife for 30 years (easy to remember cos I turn 30 at the end of the year) always asks me and my siblings for weekend plans and gets sad when we make our own.
“I don’t know how to handle it and don’t know what to expect,” he added. “Logically, I know I need my own life, away from my parents, and honestly my mum relies on me, her oldest son, a lot, sometimes unreasonably. Because my dad is incompetent as a husband. My dad is (an) emotionally unavailable, angry-at-the-world type of person. (As a provider, nothing to blame. He earns money to feed the house but that’s all he does).
Conflicting feelings
The writer then shared how conflicted he feels despite the situation. “Emotionally, I still feel a bit guilty when I ignore my parents and cancel plans with them for my own self-interests. Sometimes I also reason with myself they won’t be around forever, so I try not to hold grudges or be angry at them for long. Does anyone feel the same in their 20s and 30s?”
Many took to the comments section in response to the post, with a handful recommending therapy.
“Therapy…learning boundaries and enforcing it,” said one. “Accepting guilt is a normal reaction. Over time, you’ll feel less guilty/uncomfortable.”
Singaporeans weigh in
Others shared their own similar experiences with family. “I’m (a) 30-year-old female this year. I’m feeling it. They don’t ask me for money, but they do ask me to live the way they envision it to be because they have ‘sacrificed’ so much for me and I need to think of them, cannot disappoint them, need to lead a ‘normal’ life: get married to a guy, give birth. I am considering cutting them off as of now.”
Still, a few others mentioned filial piety in their comments. “Maybe pay them a sum of money to buy yourself out of the filial piety thing,” said one. “And I believe it wouldn’t be cheap at all, especially since raising a kid in Singapore tends to be expensive.”
“It’s irritating to force your concept of filial piety to others who were neglected as kids,” said another. “I would think most adults now are more mindful of their thinking but sadly no.”