Singaporean man wants to be a stay-at-home dad, wonders if people would judge him for living off wife's income

SINGAPORE: The traditional breadwinner-and-homemaker arrangement is looking a little less traditional these days, and apparently, some Singaporean men are quite happy to swap the office grind for life as a stay-at-home dad.

One man recently shared on the r/asksg forum that he and his wife had been discussing the possibility of him becoming a full-time stay-at-home father, and he was rather keen on the idea.

His wife, he explained, is doing exceptionally well in her career and genuinely enjoys her work. Her salary is also more than sufficient to comfortably support the family, even with a little one in the picture.

“We're not filthy rich by any means, but we're doing pretty well financially, and oh, we're both pretty low-maintenance too!”

It also helps, he added, that they have a helper at home.

Although he offered to take over the household chores full-time to save costs, his wife insisted on keeping their helper so he could focus on pursuing his personal ambition.

“It's something I've been passionate about for years, and even as a student, I managed to take it beyond ‘just a hobby.’ Pursuing it seriously means putting myself out there and stepping outside my comfort zone in ways I'm not necessarily used to, but hey, I've done it before, and I'll do it again.”

That said, he is not planning to be an absent parent. He emphasised that he would still play an active role in raising their child, particularly in matters concerning the “child's upbringing and education.”

Despite being rather excited about the prospect, the man wondered whether others would look down on him for choosing this lifestyle.

He pointed out that Singaporeans were no strangers to the idea of 'tai tais,' where husbands earn enough to let their wives enjoy a comfortable life, complete with shopping trips and mahjong sessions with friends.

There is nothing particularly controversial about that arrangement, he noted, but would people be just as accepting if the roles were reversed?

He continued, “Would knowing that the wife earns more than enough for the household change your opinion? What if she's the one encouraging her husband to pursue his dreams? Would you feel differently if he eventually started earning decent money from it, or would you still think he should go back to a regular 9-to-5? And if you STILL disapprove, why?”

“Feel free to tell me that men should be the ones retiring their wives, or that I should ‘be a man and get a real job,’ but I'd genuinely love to know why you think that way. I know I shouldn't care too much about what others think, especially when my wife and I are both happy with the arrangement, but please do let me know what y'all think!”

‘You have to ignore what others think’

In the thread, several Singaporean fathers chimed in to share their own experiences, hoping to reassure the author that taking the road less travelled is perfectly okay and nothing to be ashamed of.

One user shared that he was in a similar situation. He left his job in his 30s to start a business while his wife covered the family expenses, a decision they discussed, and she fully supported. Years later, his business failed, like many others that did not survive COVID. He then pivoted to becoming a stay-at-home dad.

“I pivoted to ferrying my kids around for enrichment classes and attending to them. I did most of the heavy lifting for my kids, and for a large part, I was the SAHD. I have a maid to help me out. My wife, in the meantime, powered ahead in her career, unencumbered. Her income is sufficient to feed our family.” 

“She is forever grateful to me for handling our kids. My results: I have 2 kids who are scholars, a 3rd who did well in A levels, and a special needs child who has become verbal & independent. Society is not kind to SAHD and mocks us as ‘eat soft rice.’I can say that children do not grow up on sunshine and fertilisers. One parent needs to sacrifice to raise them and to mentor them. I played that role. If you are ready for the taunts and mockery, come right in. I taught each child how to read, write, count, swim, rollerblade, and cycle. This is something no one will take away from me.”

Another commenter gave the couple his full support, adding, “Being a stay-at-home dad is very underrated and should be encouraged, especially if it benefits the entire family. This is far better than 2 incomes, and the kid grows up with the helper.”

Meanwhile, a third user urged the man to pay little attention to what others thought.

“You have to ignore what others think because your path you intend to choose is not something most can relate to. Singaporeans are, generally speaking, close-minded, even though most would strongly deny it, so you gotta do what you gotta do. You know yourself best. The others have less of an idea than you, and taking advice from them is silly.”/TISG

Read also: ‘Never too late’: Singaporean, 30, considers university degree after years of financial struggles