It’s so important to be confident when we are in a relationship. We often look for someone with similar values and qualities that are universal such as a nice smile, a sense of humour, kindness and so on. While we look for similar traits or core values that match ours, our sense of self, belief system and attachment style, as well as self-esteem, greatly impacts our relationships.
For example, Adam is in a wonderful relationship with Liv who is divorced and has a child from a past marriage, but he simply cannot handle the fact that Liv’s ex-husband used to be CEO of a company while he is only in the middle management.
Then there’s Lee Ann whose problem is that both times that she was married, her husbands had huge issues with the fact that she had several previous relationships and lovers. However, she has since found someone who is secure enough and has good self-esteem and therefore has no interest in her past relationships as such.
High self-esteem is not based on constantly having to compare oneself with others. Partners with good self-esteem have a deeper bond with each other because the connection is founded on strong fundamentals. People with low self-esteem tend to gravitate towards relationships that border on envy, insecurity, hostility, conflict and a deep fear of rejection.
In the dynamics in cases like Adam and Lee Ann and many other similar situations people face in relationships with different contexts, it is vital to notice how we project ourselves so that we can then begin to understand how to take care of our needs rather than put the burden of on our partner.
Recognizing your inner critic
Challenge and subdue unhealthy thoughts by questioning what exactly is bothering you, why is there a sense of insecurity for example or even suspicion. Is it due to feeling you’re not good enough to be loved or respected?
Question your sense of self-worth, is it low or secure. Find out what triggers you and when you feel bad about yourself. Research shows that when you do, insecurities can start to creep in, and it affects how you interact with your partner.
Crooked lens
Low self-esteem also distorts your perception of your partner. According to a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, where 500 men and women were asked to complete questionnaires about their self-esteem, those with low self-esteem were not only threatened by their partner’s imperfections, but they were also likely to view their relationship in black or white terms; as either all good or all bad.
Anxiety and self-consciousness
Having low self-esteem also makes you anxious and worried about your relationship, and any altercation which ordinarily would not be such a big deal makes you frazzled and nervous about where you stand.
This often leads to suspicion, mistrust, and jealousy.
Boost your self-esteem with introspection and positive self-talk
Watch yourself and try not to indulge in negative self talk like thinking you’re not good enough or that your partner or love interest is way out of your league. Re-write the script and believe in yourself.
Have confidence and decide who you are with or without your partner. The best thing you can do is work on having healthy self-esteem even before getting into a relationship with anyone, as that significantly boosts your chances of having a successful and loving long term bond.
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