My employer once complained that when dealing with “foreign workers”, I talked to them like a “friend.” He reminded me that I was working for a “professional” service firm and needed to sound professional.
I think of this incident in my life because it touches on what some might call a
weakness. I get “nasty” and manipulative only in extreme circumstances. As a “commander”, I wasn’t great at being tough on the men. (You could say I am a meek chap until I kill someone.)
I make an effort to be particularly gentle whenever I’m talking to people who are “lower” on the proverbial social ladder, which in the Singapore context means people like maids and construction workers. I try to be especially considerate to the latter as I am usually the person who has to break the news to them that they’ve been f**ked in the liquidation scenario.
There’s a reason for this. I am terrified of sounding superior. Yes, I am very class-conscious. I am aware that I was lucky enough to be born into a family with some money. Dad was at one stage a prominent advertising film director, and he lived in a very swish condominium. My mom didn’t make the big bucks that my dad did, but she’s from a family where it was understood that one got a degree. Both had decent careers, and as I’ve mentioned in previous postings, both had enough contacts who opened doors for me.
So, I am from a decent family, and I have enjoyed a comfortable life. The fact that I was educated in the UK at a minor public school (public being the public that can pay) makes me a “privileged” person. My first wife used to get intimidated by the fact that I lived in “condo-land” and would sometimes bring that up in fights.
While I admit that I did grow up in a fairly comfortable environment, courtesy of my parents, I believe I am most “class-conscious” when it comes to manners. I was brought up understanding that if you were of a “certain class”, you did not under any circumstances belittle people, especially those less fortunate than you. I was brought up with the understanding that there was a distinction between class and money. You could be decked out nicely and driving a Mercedes, but if you talked down to the waiter, you were marked out as someone with no breeding.
This is not to say that I am a nice person. My ex-wife would probably assert that I am not. I am not above being classist, racist, sexist and a whole load of other “ists.” However, in my daily dealings, I work hard not to sound offensive.
In a way, it’s easy to be polite when talking to people on the same or a higher level. For example, every ambassador I’ve dealt with is always addressed as “Your Excellency”, and you automatically adopt an air of formality. You are also automatically polite to your clients — after all, they are the ones paying the bills.
Where I work extra hard is in dealing with people “lower” down the social ladder. The reason for this is simple. Everyone knows you’re going to be nice to the guy above you and the guy by your side. However, when it comes to people below them, many tend to forget their manners. It’s as if being rude makes the other guy think you are better than him.
Have I been tempted to be like this? I can’t say that I haven’t. However, I have this fear that the people that matter to me are watching how I behave to those “lower” down the scale. I can visualise these people telling my parents, “Oh, what type of rubbish son did you raise –someone who speaks to the less fortunate LIKE THAT.”
That fear keeps me working hard to be careful and speak to people like a civilised person. If anything, I work on the principle that those above me are watching. I think it’s best said by the American musician Austin Carlile: “If you’re a fan of hurting others, talking down to, or trying to bring others down, then never call yourself a fan of mine.”
Trying to be a nice guy hasn’t always been easy. However, I’ve slept better knowing that whenever I have had to deal with people like foreign workers in emotionally tense situations, I have spoken to them like a human beings. Being able to sleep knowing that I didn’t become a lower-level creature is a luxury I intend to enjoy till the very end.
A version of this article first appeared at beautifullyincoherent.blogspot.com
OPINION | The Waiter Test: How you treat the “little people” says everything about you