SINGAPORE: A 31-year-old man shared on social media that dating in his 30s feels more like going through a job interview than getting to know someone.
In a post on the r/askSingapore forum, he explained that after returning to Singapore from abroad several years ago, he had no success with dating apps. “I could go on days without any [matches],” he said.
However, things have changed since he turned 30. Now, he gets four to six matches daily, which greatly contrasts with his earlier experiences. On the surface, this should be an exciting development: more matches and more chances to meet potential partners.
But instead of feeling validated or excited, he’s left with a nagging feeling that these women are only “settling” for him because of timing and circumstance.
“I feel like they’re only choosing me because I happened to be in the right place at the right time. I’m still the same person, for the most part. It’s not like I suddenly transformed into Brad Pitt overnight,” he wrote.
More troubling to him, though, is how quickly many of his matches seem to jump into heavy topics. Rather than taking the time to get to know each other’s personalities, these conversations quickly veer into discussing things like financial stability, owning property, and whether he wants to have kids.
“I hate first dates that feel like a job interview,” he said. “Like they move into deep conversations like income, kids, BTO, blah blah right off the bat. I feel like they’re judging me on the capacity to provide.”
On top of that, he’s noticed that many of the women he’s encountering are divorcees. While he doesn’t hold this against them, he sometimes feels he’s being measured against their past experiences. “I can’t help but feel like they are comparing me against their first choice (the ex) and what I can do for them now that he couldn’t,” he said.
“It’s terrible to feel like you’re at someone else’s whims and you’re only under consideration because you meet their needs and expectations at the right time and place. And I’m not sure how to stop feeling this way or if it’s normal for the other 30+ dudes here,” he added.
“I think you are overthinking it”
In the comments, most Singaporean Redditors who joined the conversation criticized the man for viewing his dating experiences negatively.
Some advised him to adopt a more objective perspective and recognize that it’s natural for people in their 30s to have more concrete life goals, such as financial stability, family planning, and long-term commitments.
They explained that, at this stage in life, people often look for partners who align with these goals, and it’s not necessarily a judgment on their worth or personality. Rather than feeling like he’s being “settled for”, they encouraged him to see it as an opportunity to find someone who shares his values and long-term vision.
One Redditor added, “I think you are overthinking it. As a woman, 30+ means time is close to running out. That’s why they check for stability and the ability to be there and chip in. If they have been divorced, they are checking for more potential problems. As a woman, this age means the time to be serious was yesterday, and they are merely sussing out if you are on the same page.”
Still, a few others in the thread agreed with the man and noted how frustrating it is when their dates feel transactional.
One Redditor shared her experience, writing, “Even in my early 30s, dating is already pretty transactional. A guy asked me out for dinner and wanted to know what I was craving. When I said steak, he responded, ‘Are you worth the steak?’ So I shot back, ‘Are you worth my time?’”
Another said, “Even in the mid-20s, it’s already transactional. I have women asking about my job not even 1 day into the convo. After a while, it gets pretty tiring because you see that they use looks as a filter, but your wealth gets them to stay. You feel like you’re just a wallet to them.”
Why women in their 30s often ‘interview’ their dates
According to Ronald Levant, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Akron, women in their 30s, or those approaching this age, often ask straightforward questions because they think about their biological clock and the prospect of starting a family.
Karley Sciortino, a writer for Vogue.com, also pointed out that as women get older, they become more cautious and discerning in their choice of partner. She explains that age helps refine what they truly want from a relationship.
In their 30s, they’re not just looking for a fleeting attraction or someone to pass the time with. Instead, they’re looking for a partner with emotional maturity, stability, and reliability, which might have been overlooked or undervalued in their younger years.
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