Everyone is always on their best behaviour when they start dating someone which makes it almost impossible to look for red flags at the onset of any new relationship or friendship.
What are red flags exactly? These are basically attitudes or conduct that are questionable which may indicate a bigger pattern.
For example, forgetting a birthday or anniversary one time may not be a problem but a partner who consistently forgets important dates is likely to be showing you who they are and their value system.
A good rule of thumb is always to follow your gut instinct. If your partner’s attitude makes you feel unsafe and he is generally inconsiderate then it’s likely to be a red flag situation.
Here are a few of the more discernible red flags:
1. They are eager to move the relationship forward or are constantly love bombing you
If your other half tries to socially isolate you or cannot accept you having family and friends in your life and is constantly asserting themselves saying that they should be the only person in your life that matters and wants to move things forward quickly. That is a huge red flag.
If you feel anxious about how fast things are moving forward, it’s a sign to put the brakes on and take a step back to re-evaluate the above.
2. All past partners in their life are frequently described as crazy, neurotic or just plain insane.
Without a doubt, many of us have bitter pasts and emotional baggage after bad relationships. We may be angry at how things turned out but too much anger or rage at former boyfriends or girlfriends does not bode well. It also shows that they can’t identify their role in the breakup. Though it is possible that the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend may be abusive or violent or just plain nasty, if all exes fall into this category then something is seriously wrong. Be prepared for being spoken about in the exact same way when you eventually pull the plug on the toxic relationship.
3. They are rude to people in the hospitality industry.
If they’re rude to the waiter and nice to you then they’re just rude people.
4. Their dating profile doesn’t match who they are
If his profile is all fitness and hiking and all he wants to do is laze about or walk in the garden, then he definitely isn’t who he says he is.
Similarly, if she or he says they’re amazing cooks and you have never seen them so much as fry an egg, you know when words and actions don’t match, things aren’t going to go well at all.
5. Angry, violent or hysterical outbursts
There is nothing wrong with expressing anger but if your partner starts breaking things and punching doors or walls, escalating violence to the point where you feel fearful, run for the hills. The relationship is going nowhere safe.
6. They don’t care to listen to anything you have to say
Listening to your list of errands on a grocery run is fine but we’re talking about things that matter to you. Who you are as a person, your hobbies, your interests and your pursuits. Someone who isn’t willing to understand who you are and grow with you as a person isn’t worth your time and effort.
7. You somehow don’t want to introduce them to your friends
This one is tricky as many people are generally wary or nervous for their loved ones to meet their friends and family but if the thought of introducing them to people who are significant in your life gives you a sinking feeling, it’s time to take stock of the relationship.
8. Your partner puts you down even ‘lightheartedly’
It was only a joke is not a cop-out or a justification for constantly hurting your feelings or insulting you. Sarcastic remarks, mean jokes and barbed comments all fall into this category. If it’s happening often and there is no attempt to change despite repeated requests to do so, it’s time to call it quits.
9. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that makes you doubt your reality. Gaslighting can often lead you to second guess yourself and this is when you need a safe support system to help you navigate your emotions and ensure a state of well being.
10. They’re racist, homophobic or otherwise prejudiced in general
Anyone who expresses strong racist, sexist, homophobic or transphobic views can fall into the category of abusive behaviours. It’s important to note that this may be behaviour that is due to early conditioning and can be changed in some situations but a consistent refusal to change is a no-no.
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