SINGAPORE: “My sibling curses and swears at my parents, breaks things when angry, and works as a physical fitness trainer. What can I do if he tries this again?” An online forum user wrote on Sunday (Aug 18) to ask Singaporeans for advice on a rather sensitive family matter.
The post gave readers insight into the problematic behaviour of the writer’s 23-year-old brother towards his elderly parents, ages 60 and 70 years old.
Writer shares ordeal at home with toxic brother
According to the post, the writer’s mother is the breadwinner of the house, while her father works part-time but is not financially responsible. “He now uses a walking stick and is partially disabled,” she added.
The writer then decided to turn to her brother’s godfather for help, telling him how her brother had been.
“He has been cursing and swearing (at) my parents (in the face), threatening to beat them and breaking things in the house. He is an adult, does not contribute to any household chores and has very narcissistic behaviour.
He talks loudly at night while playing video games in his room and walks like he owns the house.
He is currently studying and working for a diploma at ITE and truth to be told is wasting money on $300 insurance a month and a lot of grab food. He does not want to contribute money to household matters at all.”
However, the writer claims that her father discouraged her from involving her godfather, saying it could “destroy family relationships.” However, she argued that boundaries are necessary.
“I told him that a healthy household needs to have boundaries. He replied with how I should tolerate this behaviour from my brother,” she explained.
Lack of boundaries at home
Interestingly, her father’s response brought back some childhood memories of boundaries being broken.
“This brought me back to a time when my dad would take money from my mum’s wallet without her knowing and money from my piggy bank when I was young and didn’t realize that I allowed such boundaries to be broken.”
Eventually, the writer said that she and her mother got tired.
“My mother and I got fed up and told my dad to call (my brother’s) godfather personally. My brother was eventually corrected by his godfather but he still does not wash his bowls and talks loudly at night with poor spending habits.
Also when things dont go his way, he curses at himself, and complains that he comes from a poor family instead of bettering himself.
I am in my 20s, have done all I could and am deeply disappointed and exhausted in my parents and the behaviour at home. Can someone here advise what I should do next? Is there something wrong in the way I have approached this situation?” she asked for advice.
Singaporeans respond to cry for help
Many responded to the post, urging the writer to prioritise herself and to create boundaries.
“You’re an adult now. Your parents are adults too. You have a responsibility to care for them but don’t forget that you need to care for yourself,” said one.
“No one can help your sibling but himself. He’s behaving like an angry spoilt child, the only difference being he’s older and bigger and stronger physically.
Mentally still an entitled child. You can’t fix him. You can’t fix them. You can only work to save yourself first. Move out when you can. Get social workers to help your parents where you can’t. Cut ties with your toxic sibling. Get ahead with your own life.
Check on your parents, but don’t (lose) yourself saving them,” they added.
“Plan your eventual exit,” said another. “Stop meddling with all the back and forth with godfather, brother, father, mother. It’s zapping all your mental energy. They don’t want to tackle it head-on, they don’t want to face it.
The more you attempt, the more you will be disappointed and you’re hurting your own mental health. Take care of yourself,” they concluded.
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