SINGAPORE: A woman took to a forum on Tuesday (Dec 10) to share her thoughts on family matters involving filial piety. “It’s true. Just because you have four kids, it won’t mean all four will put in the same effort in supporting you in old age,” she wrote.
“Recently, my parents-in-law (PIL) fell sick with gout, conjunctivitis, fever, etc., and my husband’s been the one doing all the work and purchasing all the necessary things in their household for them, including a wheelchair and so on,” she added.
“The father asked another brother (number 3) to help order food and purchase drinks for groceries because my husband’s been doing everything. But this brother couldn’t do it himself and asked my husband to purchase them for their parents.
This brother (number 3) is not struggling in life nor is financially poor; he is not married, drives a car, has his own business with his girlfriend and stays in a private apartment in an expensive area (Tiong Bahru) given to them by his girlfriend’s parents who are well off.
His pattern, according to another sister, is stingy. (The sister is married with two kids. She is not working, but I know she will help if she can).
His other brother (number 2) is married in Indonesia and has two kids. He earns in Indonesian rupiah (IDR)… and to me, it’s quite pathetic, like even a cab from Jurong to the airport… he also needs to ask my husband to book for him without paying him back.”
The woman then shared her observation of her husband’s side of the family. “Everyone seems to keep asking my husband for help, expecting him to finance everything,” she wrote.
“My husband himself also seems to want to be the hero. I’m sure he sees it differently, but I know him; he will help in all ways he can. He even gave our spare iPhone to the Indo brother without asking me.
It’s not as if we are well off. Because of the situation, we have a cash flow issue, which indirectly becomes my problem. We have two school-going kids,” she added.
To end her post, the woman then asked Singaporeans how she should bring up the matter to her husband. Some responded, encouraging her to gently open up a conversation with her husband, telling him how the situation affected her.
A handful of people responded to the post, sharing similar experiences, being the spouse or partner of someone expected to care for their elderly parents.
“It’s never fair,” said one. “Currently living with my wife in her old home as my father-in-law died. Left my mother-in-law alone. So, the two of us are taking care of her.
My wife has a brother who is much more hands-off. Although my sister-in-law tries to help as much as possible, she is busy.
I see a total one-sided burden on my wife and, by extension, me. Sometimes, I feel we are held back by things, and scrolling social media about them going on holidays is sian.
My wife feels it is her duty, and I married her. I respect and admire the way she is. But you know. Don’t get me started on the money part. Things can be very ugly, but they are not that money-sensitive. So it’s all good.”
Others made reference to the sense of responsibility some people feel rests on their shoulders, while others cited family dynamics.