Steering the parent-child relationship isn’t always easy, particularly when your child becomes an adult.
Since you’ve spent so many years managing them, caring for them, and supporting their needs, stepping back can be strange or feel awkward.
As your toddlers become young adults, certain boundaries have to be kept so that you can maintain a vigorous, respectful relationship with them.
Psychologists agree that the key is not to completely withdraw from their lives, but to recognise your adult child’s independence and know when or where not to step over. In a recent article published by DM News, here are eight boundaries parents must observe:
Allow them autonomy – Being their go-to person for decades (since the time they were born), it’s only natural to want to ‘take the bull by the horns’ whenever your adult child is being confronted with a challenge. However, now that they’re adults, they need their own space to make choices, commit mistakes, and make their realisations. If you’re always hovering over them, they won’t grow and attain mental and emotional maturity.
Likewise, avoid coming up with solutions and providing them with answers; instead, just be there when they ask for support and be around when you need to catch them when they fall. While giving counsel is good, making choices for them is not. Respecting their individuality benefits them as this builds self-assurance and a solid feeling of self-worth.
Keep their trust – Whether in the workplace, in business, or in personal relationships, trust is the groundwork for these relationships to become strong. If your adult child confides in you about something personal, respect their privacy. You must keep that to yourself unless they say it’s okay for others to know. Breaching that trust, even if done in good faith, can harm the bond between you and your child.
Never criticise their parenting style – Seeing your child become a father or mother is a significant experience. But there is always that temptation to offer “unsolicited” advice or remarks on how they should raise their own children, most especially if their ways are completely different from yours. In these instances, stay supportive and impartial, unless they explicitly ask for your thoughts or judgment. Continuous criticism can create tension and damage your dealings with them.
Don’t control their finances – When your child becomes independent money-wise, they must make their own choices. In certain situations, you may not always approve of how they spend their money or how often they save, but attempting to control these decisions can result in bitterness and apathy.
If they come to you for direction or guidance, certainly share your experience, but allow them to take the lead because learning from financial mistakes is all part of growing up.
Respect their partner – You may not always like or agree with your adult child’s partner; nonetheless, show respect for their relationship.
Being prejudiced or contemptuous of their spouses can lead to long-term damage. Instead, make your adult child’s partner feel relaxed by being kind and open. When you do that, you strengthen your affection and support for your child, thereby creating a more diplomatic family relationship.
Never dwell on the past – Everyone makes wrong decisions and objectionable choices, including you and your child. But repetitively digging up past mistakes doesn’t help anyone.
If your child made wrong judgments in the past, trust that they’ve picked up lessons from them. Concentrate on how far they’ve come and don’t focus on where they faltered. Freeing everyone of long-standing gripes reinforces your bond with your child and builds a foundation of shared respect.
Respect their privacy – It’s expected that you’ll be interested in your child’s life; however, there’s a huge difference between being interested and being a meddling parent.
Whether it’s about their friendships, their relationship with their spouses, or where they go to spend their weekends, be respectful of their right to privacy. They’ll tell you about what’s going on with their lives when they’re ready. By providing them space, you make a more relaxed environment for candid and authentic communication.
Honour the boundaries they’ve set – Possibly, the most vital boundaries of all are the ones they clearly express. Whether it’s about how many times they want to see you, what they want to talk about, the ways they raise their kids, how they spend holidays, and what they do with their money, respect their preferences.
These boundaries are not designed to push you away or for them to have nothing to do with you. You must remember that forming their own identity is all part of growing up, and respecting their choices and their boundaries shows that you value them as individuals.
Being a parent of adult children means your role has evolved. It’s no longer about steering their paths but more about walking beside them with care, trust, and respect. By honouring these boundaries, you’ll preserve your relationship with them and help it thrive in a more meaningful manner.