SINGAPORE: A 40-year-old woman took to social media to share how her father, on his deathbed, regretted alienating his son.
The woman wrote in her post that “due to our upbringing, my brother hated (understatement) father. Dad would use traditional arguments, such as he brought us up, he spent money on us, yada yada to force brother to comply.”
She added that they were raised by a “very traditional Asian father” who adhered to the concepts of “tough love” and “corporal punishment.”
“We were not rich. Dad did what he thought was right. I ended up working in the civil service and my brother found success in sales/business,” the woman wrote to NUSwhispers on Wednesday (January 3).
She went on to say that over the years, a rift had started to form between his brother and his father.
“Since brother was rich already, he wrote a cashiers order for a few million, passed it to my dad as “repayment” for all the years of resources, opportunity costs. He then doubled the amount of money to “buy my freedom” too. Brother then walked out of dad’s life forever.”
Her father did not attend his brother’s wedding or meet his wife; he also doesn’t know his grandson.
Father’s regret
The woman said that her father had passed away a few months ago due to cancer. She revealed that on his deathbed, her father confessed that “driving brother away was his biggest, lifetime regret, and he hopes to reconcile.”
She said her father was especially hard on his brother because he needed to teach him how to be a “man”.
“He was extremely proud of my brother. My bro turned out to be the ideal son. Successful man that takes care of his own family.”
However, she said her brother didn’t attend their father’s funeral. They also later discovered that their father hadn’t touched the millions of dollars his son had given him all these years.
They attempted to return the money to her brother, but he refused. Because of this, they decided to donate it to charity. Her brother also donated his entire share of their father’s estate to charity.
“It’s too late for our family. But I hope all asian, stern parents… just tell your kid that you love them,” she wrote at the end.
Netizens: ‘There needs to be balance in the middle’
After reading the author’s tragic story, netizens flocked to the comment section to give their two cents about Asian parenting.
One netizen said, “There needs to be balance in the middle. Going all military discipline and fire & brimstone like OP’s dad is one extreme. But going all Western no punishment, no consequences, uncontrollable “kids will be kids” is also supremely counterproductive at the other extreme.”
While another one commented, “Without your dad teaching and guidance. Your brother will not be the man he is now. Period. Asia’s parents way of showering love has always been that way.”
Another said that most children raised in strict households have grown up to be good members of society, to which another netizen commented that this was because “they didn’t want to become like their parents.”
How do you reconcile with your estranged child?
If you’re one of the parents who has an estranged child, here are a few things you can do to work things out with your child:
Don’t stop communicating. Contact him/her to express your love and desire to heal whatever has wounded them. Send them messages every holiday and greet them on their birthdays. You can also send them a quick text, message them through social media, or email them every now and then.
Don’t give in to anger or pride. Take a step back and ask yourself, “Why did this happen? What was going on in your family?” It may seem less personal if you can see yourself from a more objective perspective. Don’t let your pride stop you from making amends with your child.
Don’t be defensive. If your child visits you and begins to take small steps to heal your relationship, don’t be defensive if he/she tells you why they distanced themselves from the family. Rather, pay attention to them without judgment and apologise if you believe you may have crossed the line.