SINGAPORE: A woman took to social media to share that she’s reconsidering her relationship after knowing her boyfriend “wants kids” while she does not.
“My bf and I are in our early 20’s and have been together for just over two years. We’ve talked and made plans about getting married. There’s just one issue, he wants kids,” the woman wrote.
She said that she never really wanted kids. She has also tried convincing herself for a while that it was something she could do, and she imagined them having a family together.
But lately, she felt uncomfortable with the idea of starting a family.
“I struggle with a lot of mental health issues and I know that I mentally won’t be able to cope with having a baby. Nor would I be able to properly care for one as a mother. We’ve spoken about it, and he said that he understands my choice and respects my decision. He said that he doesn’t want kids unless they’re with me, and if I i never want them then that’s okay,” she added.
“I appreciate him being so understanding of me but I worry that he’s just saying that now, and thinks that maybe I’ll change my mind. I don’t want him to resent me later on or regret staying with me and not having kids.”
She then asks her fellow netizens, “Should we stay together despite this difference or would it be best for us to break up and go our separate ways?”
Netizens say, “Break up!” but is there another way?
After learning about her circumstances, many netizens advised her to break up with her boyfriend.
“You are incompatible. He wants kids and he will resent you or try to make you change your mind. Break up and find someone who wants the same life you want. He also deserves the same.” one wrote.
“I didn’t even read the post and do not need to. Break up. You two do not want the same life path. You will spend your time convincing him to not have kids then he’ll leave you for someone who will do that for him. Or he will spend his time maybe convincing you and maybe you’ll give in & then resent him and the child for the rest of your life. Just separate now,” another advised.
“Deal breaker. You need to break up or he’ll resent you forever,” another wrote.
What to do if your partner doesn’t want kids
If you’re in a new relationship and your partner makes it clear that he or she wants to have kids while you don’t, ending the relationship might be a good idea.
If you can’t agree on this fundamental aspect, then no matter how good you seem to be getting along, your relationship will not last in the long run. Therefore, it’s important to get to know your partner well before you start dating to save yourself a painful heartache later on.
Anita Chipala, a dating and relationship expert, says, “If you both are adamant about your stance and won’t change your mind, stop dating each other. It’s easier to walk away before you fall in love.”
However, if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and have put a lot of effort into it, then it’s time to have the “we need to talk” session.
During this “talk”, you must be upfront with your partner and explain your reasons for not wanting a child. Both should also talk about the possible financial, familial, and social effects of having a child on your life.
The relationship expert also suggests that to prevent future animosity, partners should discuss their non-negotiable from the outset of their relationship.
When should you give up?
Life purpose. Remaining together and not having children can cause unhappiness, depression, despair, regret, guilt, and anger if a partner wants children and believes that raising children is essential to their life’s purpose.
Although it will be difficult, separating will ultimately be the most compassionate course of action, allowing the partner who desires children to fulfil their desire.
No compromise. If having kids for them is non-negotiable, then letting them go is best.
Distress. If this issue still arises from time to time and causes you to suffer mental or emotional distress, then it’s also time to reconsider if staying together is the best thing for both of you.