SINGAPORE: Female HENRYs (High Earners, Not Rich Yet) in Singapore have revealed why they don’t date men who earn less than them in an online forum.
The conversation started after one user asked in r/sgHENRY: “Straight Female HENRYs, do you face challenges with dating? In our local context, quite a number of guys are turned off by their partners earning more than them for various reasons.
But this preference apparently goes both ways, because quite a lot of females also refuse to date those earning substantially less than them.”
Their values aren’t aligned
In response, some female HENRYs admitted they have struggled to find the right partner before, but not for the reasons most people assume.
For instance, some women said they aren’t necessarily put off by a man who earns less, but the ‘the man must be worth it’ before the women are willing to disrupt their comfortable routines and make time for him.
By ‘worth it,’ they mean the man needs confidence, self-esteem, and a willingness to work together toward a better future.
One user shared, “Literally had a female HENRY friend in 30s say the guy better be really amazing for her to change her yoga schedule for him, for example.”
Another commented, “Most of my dates are from apps. I have never asked for their earning power or net worth. I value mutual respect, trustworthiness, as well as attraction.”
These women have spent most of their youth working hard and have a strong drive and work ethic. Because of this, they expect their partners to possess similar qualities.
They feel a partner who shares their values and ambitions would better match their lifestyle and goals.
One female, HENRY, shared that she decided to be with her partner, even though he earned less than her, because their personality and characteristics are compatible.
She added, “He’s not a lazy bum who just wants to slack off. He works hard at his job, and we split the housework equally whenever one of us is busy. He spoils me the best he can, and it doesn’t take a lot of money to do that.”
They’re no longer interested in finding a partner
Several women also mentioned that they’re “just no longer interested in finding a partner” because they’re happy with their current lifestyle and don’t believe a partner would improve their financial situation.
They’re content with how things are and don’t see a relationship as something that would enhance their lives. One woman stated, “I don’t want to get married. I think having a relationship would complicate my life with drama.”
Another shared, “Some of the female friends I am discussing openly say they are not sure if they want a long term relationship or to have children, and emphasize they are happy and carefree in their 30s.”
Men who earned less than them “got insecure”
A few women also said they now avoid men who earn less, not because of the lower income itself, but because of how those men act when they learn about the woman’s salary.
From their past experiences, they’ve noticed that men often become insecure when they find out a woman makes more money.
One woman shared, “I dated an Australian born Chinese dentist who made half of what I did and still sprouted nonsense like ‘Women belong in the kitchen and take care of children’ garbage at me, and trying to mask it as if he was joking.”
Another commented, “I went on a date with this local guy who was obviously bitter from his failed business, so shamed me for working hard on mine and threw all the fertility deadline stuff at me.
IMO, if you think women should inevitably go back to having kids, you better earn enough to be able to care for that.”
Men’s perspective on why female HENRYs struggle in dating
Interestingly, several men joined the discussion and explained why many high-earning women struggle with dating. They said that when ‘women are so focused on their careers,’ it can make them seem less approachable.
Since they spend so much time working, they’re often unavailable for dating or social activities. This can make it harder for them to meet potential partners.
As these women get older, the pool of men interested in them can shrink simply because there are fewer options as time goes on. On top of that, their strong drive and achievements can sometimes come off as intimidating or off-putting to some men.
This is especially true for wealthier guys who might prefer partners with softer, more flexible traits that they think are better for building a stable relationship and raising a family.
These men might feel that the high-earning women’s ambitious and competitive nature doesn’t fit with their idea of what makes for a harmonious and nurturing relationship.
One man added, “Women like to project their desires of men onto men and assume men want the same thing. E.g. they are attracted to ambitious, career driven men and assume men are attracted to women with those same attributes.
The reality is that men couldn’t care less about women’s careers, we just want you to be cute and somewhat agreeable.
Female HENRYs tend to be somewhat disagreeable, mediocre to below average in the looks department, and exhibit behavior that many would classify as quarrelsome and mean.
They self-identify as ‘strong’ and ‘independent’ and think that men are ‘intimidated’ by them, when in reality men just don’t find them attractive.”
Another shared, “Anecdotally, as a guy, I’ve no issue with dating a woman who earns more.
However, my experience has been that it’s often the women who don’t want to date men earning less than them because they think that they will have to compromise their lifestyle to accommodate the men.
They also associate earning power with things like drive and ambition.”
Read also: Man asks, “Is it normal for couples to take a break in their relationship?”
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