SINGAPORE: A 33-year-old woman took to an online forum on Wednesday evening (Jan 22) to share her inner conflict with how her in-laws allegedly treat their helper. “I (33F) started living with my in-laws two years ago when they purchased a new home with more than enough room for us and our kids.
“My in-laws are nice enough, always kind and generous to family and friends. But that same kindness and generosity is not extended to our domestic helper, who works in our home and cares for our daily needs… (They) seem to think they need to squeeze all the value out of her; it’s her job, she must meet their high standards, and everything is good as long as they’re not mistreating her. I’ve seen this sentiment most commonly among others from that generation, too. Not all, of course.”
The woman shared her in-laws’ previous experience with helpers. “Some backstory: Their first helper from years back was quite rude (I’ve witnessed it) and always did shoddy work so that she could get back to watching videos on her phone as soon as possible. They endured it for two years and didn’t renew the contract.
“So when they hired the second helper, they were a bit more wary, and stated some household rules like her mobile phone usage only being from 8 pm to 8 am, and also worked out a weekly schedule of chores, and only one day off a month. All of these were communicated clearly via phone interviews and accepted by the helper before her arrival.”
However, the woman shared that she has already had a few minor disagreements about how the helper is treated. She also shared that her arguments were routed through her husband. She also gave some examples of incidents that didn’t sit right with her, such as her mother-in-law allegedly wondering if her helper’s schedule was “too lax” after spotting her taking a nap.
“Occasionally, when the food left for us seems a bit much, I ask if they want to portion out more for a helper. Or when everyone’s done eating, and there’s a bit of food left, I ask if anyone wants more and bring it to the helper to ask if she would like more. So tonight, my husband told me not to comment on the portion and not to offer the helper the leftovers anymore.
“There was a convo without me, and the gist is that my in-laws said when we do that, it seems like we didn’t give her enough in the first place. So my husband replied, saying that’s not true, and what if it’s like just a few mouthfuls of food, you wanna keep that in the fridge? And my father-in-law said yes. One of the lines was that they’re not mistreating her at all.”
Despite the woman and her husband being on the “same page” when treating the helper, she claimed that her in-laws were on a different page. “The FDW has to leave their home country because there’s no better job back home to support her family. Plus, she is a good employee, hard-working and competent. But my in-laws seem to think they need to squeeze all the value out of her…
“I guess the whole FDW system is also not great, but that’s a much bigger discussion. We’re too entrenched in needing helpers, which makes the most financial sense for many of us. While we can’t immediately eliminate this, can’t we at least treat them better?”
The woman also added that she doesn’t want the issue to strain her relationships with her in-laws and husband. “I love and respect them and don’t want to hurt their feelings. We live together, too, and I would hate for things to turn sour. My husband is also caught in the middle because he feels he cannot change their mindset after all this time.”
She then turned to Singaporeans to ask for advice, wondering if she should keep trying to change her in-laws’ views or compromise “as long as no hard lines are crossed.”
There was a mix of responses to the post, with some saying she could learn to adapt to her in-laws’ mentality and others trying to understand such a mentality. “It’s never about having an older gen mentality, but more about keeping the helpers in check,” said one.
Others focused on her dynamic with her husband, stressing the importance of the couple being on the same page.