‘Why should I pay S$300 for someone I barely know?’: Guest put off by ‘pay for your seat’ Chinese wedding norm

SINGAPORE: A wedding guest says he no longer feels like attending Chinese weddings after a friend told him his S$50 ang bao was too little because the couple had chosen an expensive hotel.

In a post on the r/asksgforum subreddit, the man recalled attending his first Chinese wedding when he was 23 and had just started working. As the person getting married was a school friend he was not particularly close to, he thought S$50 was a fair amount.

However, one of his Chinese friends clearly thought otherwise.

“I sat at the table talking to my other school friends, and the conversation about how much I put in the envelope came up. I casually said I had S$50, and my Chinese friend’s jaw dropped.”

“She told me, ‘That’s all?? We’re at _____ hotel! You have to give more!’” he recalled. She also told him to look up the usual ang bao amounts for different hotels.

The man said he was embarrassed by the exchange.

“I was beyond shocked. I was shocked that I had to bear the cost of the couple’s ego trip when choosing the hotel. I was incredibly embarrassed to even give the S$50 envelope. I was 23 then and had just started working,” he wrote.

He added that he had attended several non-Chinese weddings, where guests gave money as a gesture of “courtesy and goodwill,” rather than to help the couple recoup the cost of their wedding.

“Why should I give S$300 for a couple I barely know??” he went on. “I’ve been (to) a few more Chinese weddings after, but I continue to give S$50. I refused to be bullied into giving more. Why’s this even the norm? [This] ‘Pay for your seat’ norm at Chinese weddings [really] makes me not wanna go for any.”

‘Don’t go to weddings of people you’re not close to’

The post quickly gained traction, racking up more than 679 upvotes and 441 comments within a day.

Many commenters agreed that expecting guests to pay according to the cost of a wedding venue was an odd custom.

One commenter, who identified as Chinese, wrote: I also think this is weird. I also don't agree to subsidise other people's weddings. If they want to hold banquets in 5-star hotels, then I assume it's because they can afford it and are not expecting their guests to pay for it.”

Another user recalled being ridiculed for giving just S$30 at a wedding held at a yacht club during his National Service (NS) days.

“I remember last time during NS I was invited to my SSS wedding at a yacht club. I gave around $30 because I was barely earning around S$600 to S$700 per month, and my family situation was not that good. I was asked by my regulars, and I told them how much I gave. I got ridiculed for it. Dude, I'm serving NS Leh, and they expected me to give how much? S$200?”

A third wrote, “As a Chinese, I agree as well. I recently got a new job, and I'm half a year in. My colleague invited me to his wedding. I googled the hotel (Voco), and I saw that the minimum was S$218. After talking to some other colleagues, they said they were giving at least S$250.” 

“I'm in my 20s trying to save for my BTO. Ain't no way I'm going to drop S$250 for a person I've only met for a few months! This ang pao custom is really getting out of hand.”

Meanwhile, a few others offered a straightforward way to avoid the pressure: simply decline invitations from people they were not particularly close to.

One user commented, “Easy, don’t go to weddings of people you’re not close to. I have turned down some of these red bombs simply because I am not close to them and I don’t want to waste my evening eating so-so food that cost a bomb.”/TISG

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