SINGAPORE: A young Singaporean took to social media to vent about one of the customs of filial piety, stating that it’s unfair for children to take care of their parents.
“Look like we are bred to be part of their retirement plan,” user x-chilli wrote on the subreddit r/SingaporeRaw on Monday (Jan 22). “This span from our 20s to late 70s if they live that long and we are liable to them for 50 years… cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars. But for them to raise us, just less than 28 years with just basic min care. It is not a good deal,” he added.
He said that apart from paying for the parents’ living expenses, children are also expected to bring “them around and manage all their needs.”
Singaporeans divided about filial piety
Many Singaporeans reacted negatively to the post, claiming that there had to be a problem with his upbringing or a problem with his personality for him to have written the post.
One user wrote, “A good son/daughter would never doubt to take care of their parents. And good parent would not force their son/daughter to take care of them. At least that is what my interpretation is. Did not raise an eyebrow to take care of my mum. It is part of my responsibility. Like how I take care of my young one.”
While another commented, “If your parents were great, they would have planned for their own retirement. If your parents were good, you wouldn’t feel bad about taking care of them.”
However, some agreed with the author and argued that in today’s world, parents shouldn’t treat their kids like their financial backup plans.
One user argued, “This is already the 21st century (AD2024), and children are not parents’ insurance, cpf or atms. Parents may not have a choice of gender, intelligence or matters relating to nature, as they are beyond anyone’s control, but they have the choice of having or not having children.
On the other hand, the offspring haven’t the choice not to be born. Being so, they should not be held to account and should have the free will to decide if they want or not to take care of their parents in their old age.”
Filial Piety: Is it time to break the cycle?
Filial piety is the Confucian virtue of showing respect, love, and complete obedience towards one’s parents, elders, and ancestors.
Despite having its roots in Chinese culture, this virtue has extended to Singapore, the Philippines, Vietnam, Taiwan, and other Asian countries.
Though the practice varies slightly among cultures, it always comes down to taking care of one’s parents’ needs, particularly when they are too old to work.
Oftentimes, when these children started working, they would set aside a certain amount of their pay each month to give to their parents.
But while some willingly followed this custom, some were forced to do so.
Channel News Asia published a story in May 2023 about a girl whose parents had told her that she would have to give them at least 15% of her take-home pay.
She found the arrangement particularly uneasy since her parents earned more than her. She said she felt that “her life was already hard enough,” and instead of helping, her parents only made it worse.
Nevertheless, she eventually agreed to the arrangement since her parents “wouldn’t take no for an answer”.
While some people may sound ungrateful, parents should also see why they behave in such a manner.
These days, young working adults can barely afford to pay their rent or bills on time because their living costs are rising faster than their income.
Therefore, giving their parents a monthly stipend during financial hardship feels less like a gesture of love and more like a punishment to them. Many contend that it should be the child’s choice whether to pay support to their parents.
Over the years, many have voiced out that this cycle should be broken and that parents should no longer “demand” something in return from their children, as one Singaporean YouTuber advised:
“Parents, stop treating your kids as your dividend stocks… Your retirement is your responsibility and not your children’s. Your CPF, your savings, your dividend stocks, your growth stocks, all these assets must be enough for your own retirement.”
Read related: Singaporean tells “parents to stop treating your kids as your dividend stocks”