‘They only love you for your role and performance’: S’porean says their parents don’t know them or even want a real relationship with them

SINGAPORE: When a local Reddit user wrote about their parents only being pleased with them when they met their high expectations, many others appeared to relate.

“Anyone else feels like your Singaporean parents don’t know the real you and don’t actually want a real relationship?” asked u/fullertonreport in a post on r/askSingapore earlier this week.

They wrote that Singaporeans ”are almost expected to hit milestones in a scripted way,” such as getting into good schools, earning high grades, getting good jobs, dating people their parents can accept, and following the perceived path of success of marriage, BTO, having children, upgrading to a condo, and so on.

When these milestones are hit, it makes parents happy, and they praise their children in front of their relatives.

The post author added that children are later expected to show filial piety, give their parents a generous allowance, and buy them things that they can show off to their friends.

When sons or daughters go through a rough patch, however, the acceptance and praise parents used to dole out begin to look conditional, and parents act with angst and judgment, instead of giving support. They behave with hostility even in situations when their offspring “don’t recover from failure within the time frame that they can bear.”

This has caused the post author to write that it is a point when a child realises that they “never had a relationship with your parents” who “cannot accept your humanity.”

Ending on a bitter note, the post author added, “They only love you for your role and performance. Not you as you are.”

The post has since gotten many comments from those with the same experience as u/fullertonreport, one of whom said he’s thought of dealing with his mother this way.

“I contemplated doing a voicemail specific to my mum’s number. ‘Hi. This is your son. I can’t pick up now, but it’s ok because there are only a few reasons you would call me. For complaints and rants about how I am not as good as your friends’ sons, press 1. To ask for money, press 2. To ask me to run an errand for you, press 3. (10-second pause). If none of the above, it looks like Liberation Day has come. I know you are a kidnapper. If you are asking for a ransom, don’t worry, I’ll pay you, but you can keep her. Have a nice day.”

Another told the post author, “You’re their portfolio/investment. If portfolio/investment underperforms, the shareholders will be upset and angry.”

One wrote: “My mum always says to me, ‘raising a dog is better than raising you.’ I’ve gotten numb to it.”

“It has been the case for a lot of us. Sometimes worse if your family is upper middle class or wealthy, as there are lots of expectations imposed (my experience anyway). You need to leave the stage and figure out who you are, offstage,” another advised. /TISG

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