‘There was no other way to express my anger’: Woman torn over donating organ to estranged father

SINGAPORE: Are children morally obligated to donate their organs to an ill parent, even when they have a complicated or strained relationship?

A Singaporean woman has found herself facing this difficult question after her father suffered multiple organ failures, including kidney failure and acute liver failure.

In a post on Reddit, the woman said her father is currently unconscious in the ICU while doctors are preparing him for a deceased-donor transplant.

However, she pointed out that there is a queue for deceased-donor organs, meaning the family has no way of knowing when he might receive a transplant.

Doctors have therefore asked whether there is a living donor who could help him, leaving the woman feeling as though the decision has fallen entirely on her.

“He’s now lying unconscious in the ICU. They are asking if there’s any living donor, which could only be me. There’s no way I’m getting my mum to do it.”

The woman admitted that she was terrified by the prospect of donating an organ. She said she had seen pictures of the scars left after transplant surgery and was “petrified” at the thought of going through the procedure herself.

Her reluctance, however, was not only about the physical risks.

She also questioned whether she could bring herself to undergo major surgery for a father who, in her view, had caused her considerable emotional and financial distress over the years.

The woman said she struggled to see herself as being responsible for saving a parent who had often treated her as though she only existed to “clean his mess and provide his income.”

Before losing consciousness, her father had allegedly spent an entire day scolding her.

“He was berating me the entire day for cutting his allowance and how he shouldn’t have surrendered over his share of the flat, like that was the only regret in his life.”

He made my life difficult

The woman then provided more background on their complicated relationship.

According to her, her father abandoned the family 16 years ago, and they did not remain in contact for much of that time.

Their paths crossed again in 2019, when her mother reportedly found him sitting alone on a bench and looking unwell.

That same year, he was allegedly diagnosed with liver cancer.

Her father subsequently wanted to move back in with the family so they could care for him, but the woman and her mother were against the idea.

She said her childhood had already been extremely difficult because her parents “never stopped arguing over finances.”

The family also had to deal with disagreements over their matrimonial flat, which was jointly owned by her parents.

Eventually, the woman said they agreed that her parents would divorce so her father could qualify for more government assistance.

In return, she agreed to provide him with S$1,000 a month, which she said was more than enough to cover the cost of the place he had rented.

Her father also agreed to surrender his 60% share of the flat.

Although they did not live together, the woman said she still tried to support him. She frequently took him out for meals, accompanied him to hospital appointments, and helped him deal with various problems.

Despite this, she claimed that her father repeatedly made decisions that created more problems for her to deal with.

She said he gambled, hoarded items, and made what she considered “really really stupid decisions,” including signing “a long-term car rental contract even though he shouldn’t be driving.”

“Each time we argued. Each time he knows I will be there to clean up his mess. He just wants to do things his way with no regard to the consequences. His health is a prime example.”

The woman said she had cut his allowance twice because she believed he was using the money she earned to gamble.

She also said she had recently suspected that he might have another family in China, although she did not provide further details.

“There was no other way to express my anger aside from these punitive measures,” she wrote. “On and off I wanted to give up on him.”

He refused medical advice

The situation became even more difficult in the period before her father was admitted to the ICU.

The woman said he had been frequently in and out of the hospital but repeatedly insisted on being discharged against medical advice.

Both she and his doctors had reportedly urged him to remain in the hospital, but he allegedly refused.

“He said it was ‘boring’ and he told the doctors he would rather have quality of life over quantity. Doctors already told him that this would worsen his condition, and he said he accepted the risk.”

Now that his condition has deteriorated to multiple organ failure, the woman finds herself facing a decision she never expected to make.

On one hand, she knows that becoming a living donor could potentially give her father another chance while he waits for a deceased-donor transplant.

On the other, she is frightened about undergoing the procedure and remains deeply resentful over years of conflict, financial disagreements, and what she described as a pattern of having to clean up after her father.

She ultimately turned to fellow Reddit users for their perspectives on whether she should feel morally obliged to donate.

“Throw me some shade and give me some advice, please,” she wrote.

‘You are not a bad daughter’

Commenters were quick to reassure the woman that she had nothing to feel guilty about. They pointed out that she had already done more than enough for her father despite his past actions. 

Several users also felt that refusing to undergo a major transplant procedure did not make her an unfilial daughter.

One told her, “He abandoned you and your mom when you were 14 and you still gave him 1k/month. That’s not being unfilial. You’ve already gone above and beyond. You don’t need to go through a donor transplant surgery for him if you don’t want to.”

Another commenter said they might be willing to donate an organ if they believed the recipient would genuinely value the second chance and take their recovery seriously. However, based on the woman’s description of her father, they were concerned that he might not do so.

“From what you described, he seems like he would waste the kidney. Getting an organ transplant comes with quite a lot of medical restrictions.”

“If he’s the type who would get himself discharged against medical advice, I actually question why the doctor would even consider him a suitable candidate for transplant, as he probably would not be able to keep to those restrictions. Having said that, sounds like you’ve done a lot for him. I think you’ve qualified as a filial girl.”

A third wrote, “You are not a bad daughter just because you are scared or do not want to donate part of your liver.”

A fourth reminded her, “You have your mother to take care of. Your father is not the only parent you are responsible for. Don’t sacrifice yourself for the parent that was not responsible for you.”

In other news, a Singaporean woman has sought advice online after her aunt allegedly turned the neighbourhood against her brother for refusing to hand over 30% of his salary to help repay her daughter’s gambling debts.

In an anonymous post on the NTU Confessions Facebook page, the woman said her brother had graduated from Cambridge and recently landed a well-paying job at a well-known company.

Read more: Woman says aunt turned neighbourhood against brother after he refused to hand over 30% of his salary