Is your partner a ‘borderline hoarder’ or just messy? The line might be thinner than you think

SINGAPORE: Not a lot of people talk about it, but relationships can be very hard work indeed. Taking two people with fully-formed and in some ways widely divergent personalities, and having them live in a shared space together (often a small one, in Singapore’s case) can be one of life’s biggest challenges.

A less-is-more Reddit user whose partner has a more-is-more philosophy when it comes to belongings recently took to the platform to vent, writing, “My partner fills up our home with things and I’m getting sick of it.”

He explained that his partner likes buying things to the point that the drawers, tables, and shelves in the rooms in their home are full of items that momentarily caught her attention, but are seldom, sometimes never, used.

To make matters worse, she does not like to organise or clean up.

He explained that when she was a child, she did not have her own room, study table, or wardrobe, but needed to share these with her family. In contrast, while he grew up poorer than she did, he still had his own area where his things went, and he had the freedom to organise.

There are times when he tells her he’d prefer to have a less cluttered place, but this falls on deaf ears, as she answers back that she has no time, is too stressed, or turns the conversation around and tells him, “We are having a good time. Why do you always ruin it?”

What bothers him the most is when she moves his belongings around in the name of “cleaning and tidying,” and then doesn’t remember where she put them. While he says he still loves her, there are times when he wants to break up with her and move out.

Whether his partner is a hoarder in the making or simply likes collecting things but dislikes organising them is the question. The problem may be deeper than the post author realises.

Here are the common characteristics of people with a hoarding disorder, according to a cleanup and recovery service provider.

• Difficulty with discarding items, even when they’re useless.
• An excessive accumulation of objects creating cluttered o,r even unsafe living conditions.
• Severe emotional distress during attempts to declutter.
• Impaired daily living due to hoarding behaviour.

It’s also possible, as some commenters on the Reddit post suggested, that the post author’s partner has underlying issues even if she isn’t a full-blown hoarder, and the earlier these issues are addressed, the better.

Experts urge people whose loved ones show these characteristics to begin a compassionate conversation with them concerning their living conditions, as well as to get them the professional help they need to address their issues.

According to HelpGuide.org, “If you have to share a living space with the hoarder, things can feel even worse. As the mess continues to mount, you may be angry at the loss of livable area, exasperated by the hoarder’s unwillingness to clear out any of their stuff, or offended by how they’ve claimed certain parts of the home as solely their own. You may even feel that the hoarder cares more about their possessions than they do about you.

“While no one should have to live in cramped or unsanitary conditions, it’s important to remember that your loved one hasn’t chosen to become a hoarder. Hoarding disorder is a complex mental health issue, and helping someone goes beyond cleaning out their clutter.” /TISG

Read also: ‘Sick of it’: Man rants about his girlfriend’s habit of cluttering their home with unnecessary items, seeks advice on Reddit