‘Too quiet, not cheerful enough’: Singapore man says ex criticised him for how he behaved around her friends

SINGAPORE: A man has revealed that his ex-girlfriend ended their relationship because she felt he "was not sociable enough with her friends and family."

In a post on Reddit's r/sgdatingscene, the man explained that his ex was particularly close to her sister and brother-in-law, whom she lived with, as well as a group of long-time friends from church.

The group was extremely close-knit, with gatherings at her sister's home a regular affair. These included Christmas, Chinese New Year (CNY), birthdays, and even casual get-togethers whenever someone felt like organising one.

“There was generally an expectation that I would accompany her. Others in the group often brought their partners, so I was expected to accommodate her desire for the same since she said my absence would be a source of embarrassment for her.”

The problem, however, was that he felt his personality was worlds apart from theirs.

He described himself as an introverted, naturally reserved and quiet person who was often lost in his own thoughts and perfectly content with his own company.

His ex's social circle, on the other hand, consisted of what he called the “relentlessly cheerful, wholesome and saccharine sort.”

“I found myself having very little in common with them. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but their humour and conversational interests simply weren't my cup of tea. Every gathering felt like an ordeal, particularly when I could have been at home resting after a long week at work.”

Despite this, he said he made a conscious effort to attend the gatherings because he understood how much these people meant to his ex.

He would help prepare food, assist with household chores, smile, make small talk, and join conversations whenever he could, even when his social battery was running on empty.

At the time, he genuinely believed he was doing a good job putting his own preferences aside for the sake of the relationship.

However, his ex thought otherwise. He said she would regularly criticise his behaviour after these gatherings, telling him he was “too quiet, wasn't initiating enough conversations, looked down too frequently, didn't appear sufficiently engaged, or simply wasn't cheerful enough.”

“I felt as though my behaviour was being scrutinised. There were occasions when she'd glare at me across the dinner table or kick me under the table if she thought I wasn't participating enthusiastically enough in the conversation or laughing along with everyone else. It was incredibly uncomfortable to feel that I was being monitored and corrected even while trying my best to socialise.”

The final straw came when he asked if he could leave a gathering at around 10 p.m., even though it was expected to continue until 1 a.m. or 2 a.m.

His ex allegedly became “incensed” over the request and ended the relationship the following day.

The man said they had been together for two years and that he was genuinely devastated when she told him towards the end of their relationship that she no longer wanted to have children with him.

Her reasoning was that she could not bear the thought of their future children growing up without being surrounded by her sister, brother-in-law, and childhood friends, whom she envisioned as a close-knit group of beloved aunties and uncles who would play an active role in their lives.

He also stressed that he had made considerable efforts to show his love and commitment in other aspects of the relationship, but felt these were overlooked because he did not fit into her social circle.

“I tried to be attentive and supportive in other aspects of the relationship. I meticulously planned dates, bought her gifts, ferried her around by car, supported her through difficult periods, and even travelled to her home country (in East Asia) to meet her family, making a genuine effort to interact with her relatives despite my rather half-past-six Mandarin.”

“I'm not suggesting these things made me some exceptional boyfriend, but it felt as though all my efforts were forgotten the moment I failed to meet her expectations concerning her friends.”

Seeking other perspectives, he asked: “What would a reasonable compromise have looked like in this situation? Was attending these gatherings, helping out and making an effort to socialise sufficient, or should I have tried even harder to integrate into her circle?”

‘Now you can walk away peacefully’

In the comments, many felt that the two were simply incompatible, with some telling the man that he should not have to change his personality to meet his ex's expectations.

One commenter wrote: “You two are fundamentally incompatible. She was immature to understand and respect your need for space. You probably lack emotional intelligence and this is something you will have to work on if that’s true. There’s a difference between being an introvert and being socially inept.

“A secure woman will be comfortable attending some of these events on her own instead of expecting you to join and indulge them past your bedtime every single time. Or be at their frequency.”

Another user said: “I don't think you should blame yourself especially after you tried your best. She shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with you in the first place if she didn't like who you are as a person. Many people think they can change their partners into their desired version but that's where shit starts to happen.”

A third commenter added: “You did your best; now you can walk away peacefully. The right person will never change you the way you are; rather, they will accept you fully.”/TISG

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