‘Female HENRYs, would you date down?’ — Woman in her 30s wonders if other high-earning women would lower financial expectations for love

SINGAPORE: A woman in her early 30s took to social media to muse about the curious dating patterns she’s noticed among her former medical school classmates, particularly the contrast between the romantic trajectories of the men and women in her cohort.

In her post on the r/SGHenry subreddit, she said that most of the men she studied with are now “married, engaged, or in long-term stable relationships.” In contrast, many of the women in her batch remain single.

“[They] seem to have much less luck in the dating scene. Some of them are happily single and not searching, but there are others who are still actively searching,” she wrote.

“I think for those who are still trying to find a partner, it is probably not an easy search as the majority of the good guys would have been taken by the time you reach your 30s. Like it or not, a good salary adds very much to the attractiveness of a guy, but does virtually nothing for a woman’s attractiveness.”

This train of thought eventually led her to pose a question to a wider audience of women online, particularly those who fall into the category of HENRYs (High Earner, Not Rich Yet).

She wrote, “Will you consider dating someone of significantly lesser financial means? Would you consider ‘dating down’ to find someone, or is compromising suggedt mon financial values too big an ask that you would rather stay single?”

In her case, she shared that she had been fortunate enough to find a partner “she clicks with,” who also happens to be on a similar financial footing.

“People bring so much more to a relationship than income.”

In the thread, quite a few people felt uncomfortable or even put off by how the woman framed her question, particularly because she used the term “dating down.”

One individual said, “How is it dating down when it’s love? As a female, personally, I never cared about finances; finances aren’t attractive to me because I already am earning a decent amount, so you’re not speaking for all women when you say men are more attractive if they have better financial means.”

The user then shared her own experience, writing, “I met my husband when his salary was lower than mine, and he was starting his life from scratch in Singapore, so I didn’t care. He doubled his salary after and is earning much more than I now. He said it was good that his salary was low, so he was able to sift out those who really like him for who he is, not what he is earning. You will find better people if you don’t date for money.”

Another commented, “It’s interesting that ‘dating down’ is being equated with someone earning less money. That framing reveals a bias that financial status automatically determines someone’s worth or compatibility. People bring so much more to a relationship than income.”

Others responded directly to the woman’s question, saying they wouldn’t mind having a partner who earns less than they do.

One user said, “I don’t see a problem with the other partner earning less as long as it’s honest work and he is hard-working and has a plan to earn more, climb the corporate ladder, etc. The red flag should be those lazy bums who don’t want to work or whine daily about work, quit, and stay at home living off Papa and Mama’s money or hope to live off their partner; those types of either gender should be avoided.”

Male users also jumped into the conversation to share their perspectives. One user wrote, “My wife was earning 2x my income when we started dating; now I make 3x her income. Money will come. What we earn today will change. Focus on the person.”

Another added, “Isn’t love more priceless than what money can do? My fiancé is from a not-so-great country with a not-so-great economy, but my first thoughts weren’t about money. I love her for who she is and not how much she earns. She can be the poorest of the poorest, and I’ll still love her.”

Income matters more to women than men in dating, survey finds

In 2020, matchmaking company Lunch Actually conducted a survey of 690 singles in Singapore, evenly split between men and women (345 each), to explore their dating preferences.

The results showed that income was not among the top three criteria men considered when selecting a partner. Instead, men placed greater importance on age (65 per cent), body type (61 per cent), and whether the woman wished to have children (33 per cent).

In contrast, income emerged as the most important factor for women (55 per cent), followed by age (47 per cent) and educational level (44 per cent).

The survey also found that while 87 per cent of men were comfortable dating women who earned more than themselves, only 39 per cent of women were willing to date men with lower incomes.

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