‘Every day feels draining’: Daughter shares struggle living with mum who may have undiagnosed mental illness

SINGAPORE: A daughter recently took to Reddit to vent about how mentally and emotionally draining it’s been living with her mum, who she believes may be struggling with undiagnosed mental health issues.

Posting anonymously on the r/askSingapore subreddit, she shared that her mum often displays signs of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

“She’s always overthinking, sad or angry about something,” the daughter wrote. When we get into arguments—which can be over very minor things because she’s very sensitive—she would think of herself as the victim and how life is super hard for her.”

The daughter added that her mum’s behaviour often takes a manipulative turn, with her expressing suicidal thoughts or saying things like, “I should’ve just died.” While the daughter acknowledged these statements might stem from unresolved emotional pain, she admitted they often feel like a guilt trip designed to make her feel bad.

She then recounted a recent morning incident to illustrate how emotionally taxing her routine has become. While getting ready for work, her mum entered her room multiple times to ask questions and fixate on seemingly trivial matters, leaving her overwhelmed before the day had even started.

“I want to get away, but at the same time, I feel like I have to take care of her. I do care for her, but every interaction is so draining. I feel so tired and exasperated, like I’m no longer my usual happy self.”

She also confessed that the only time she feels truly herself is when she’s away from home, at work, or out with friends. But once she returns, the heaviness sets in again. “I don’t know how to explain this, but the negative energy is so bad that I start feeling it when I’m around her.”

The daughter shared that the whole family has already tried encouraging her mum to seek professional help, but she’s always brushed it off. According to her, her mum flat-out refuses to consider therapy, and at this point, she doubts she’ll ever agree to it in the future.

Seeking help from other locals, she asked, “How do you cope with parents with mental health issues?”

“Try to find out if there are counsellors who are able to come to the house and assist.”

In the comments, many users jumped in to offer support, share their own stories, and give her some advice on how to cope.

One individual commented, “Been through that. It caused me to have depression and suicidal thoughts at the worst point. Went overseas for two weeks and felt so much better. Finally came to terms, mum is the main factor and moved once eligible to do so. Just remember, it is her life. Her thinking affects her, and not you. You are a separate person living your own life. Move out when eligible to do so.”

Another suggested getting other family members involved, like her father or siblings. “Are you able to discuss her issues with your father and siblings? I am sure your mum is not aware that she has some mental health issues. Try to find out if there are counsellors who are able to come to the house and assist. It might be hard at first because older generations tend to think this is ‘crazy’. But still keep trying and see if you are able to come out with any positive result.”

Meanwhile, a third speculated that her mum might just be feeling lonely and looking for someone to connect with. They said, “It sounds like she is seeking connection with someone, anyone, and it’s becoming annoying & stressful for you. How about you allocate an hour a week of a shared physical activity/hobby at your local community centre to start with, where she can meet other seniors or people while feeling safe with you present?”

Where to seek help

If you’re in a similar situation and need support, Sage Counselling Centre offers free counselling for seniors who are Singaporeans or permanent residents. The sessions are flexible and can be done at their centre in Jurong Point, over the phone, through Zoom, or at home if the person has a physical disability.

To reach out, you can call them at (65) 6354 1191 or submit an enquiry form here.

Read also: Woman asks, “How do you deal with mother-in-law who wants to know everything she does with her fiancé?”

Featured image by Depositphotos (for illustration purposes only)