SINGAPORE: A woman took to social media to express her frustration over her parents’ high expectations for her boyfriend.

Posting on Reddit’s ‘Ask Singapore’ forum, she revealed that her parents have been adamant that her boyfriend should fully finance their Build-To-Order (BTO) flat.

“My s/o (significant other) has brought up the topic of BTO with me multiple times because we are in a steady relationship and we are not young either, so with the crazy 5 years waiting time for BTO, of course, we want to start balloting early—a fair and smart move,” she wrote.

“Yes, BTO essentially means tying the knot with someone, and in fact, I’m ready to do so. My parents’ expectations are the only obstacle right now,” she added.

She has attempted to reason with them, explaining that in today’s financial climate, most young couples split the cost of their home. She even pointed out that CPF contributions would likely cover most of the mortgage, making it a manageable expense. However, her parents outright rejected this and refused to budge.

At one point, they even told her, “We did not raise you up so well for more than 20 years just to repay your monthly mortgage with your partner.”

The woman also shared that their expectations do not stop at housing. They were also pushing for her boyfriend, or his family, to buy a car and give a massive cash gift as part of the wedding.

“The car is for comfort and convenience, but a car in this SG economy may not be necessary until kids come,” she wrote. “The cash part is more of a tradition for Chinese weddings, I guess; it’s just the amount that’s the concern. They are looking at S$1 million, by the way,” she said.

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Her parents believed the amount was fair, reasoning that the more a man invests in a marriage, the less likely he is to walk away or file for divorce.

They explained to her, “Imagine you spend $10 to buy a dog vs. $1 million to buy a dog. If the $10 dog acts up, you’ll probably just let it go. But if the $1 million dog acts up, you’ll probably try to fix it and not let go so easily because you already spent so much on it.”

The woman said that, ultimately, her parents were asking her boyfriend to pay S$2-3 million to cover the house, car, and wedding gift costs.

“Marriage is probably one of the biggest milestones in everyone’s life, and it seems impossible to resort to going behind their backs/lying for this one. How can I magically appear with a house and car?” she asked a rhetorical question.

She confessed that she is seriously considers moving out and cutting ties with her parents to escape the pressure. She admitted that she has been saying “yes” to them just to avoid daily arguments, even though she has no intention of following through with their demands.

“This marriage expectation is not going to change with time, even if I break up with my current s/o due to not meeting expectations. Do I go and find my next partner and ask the first question, ‘Can you provide a car and house immediately upon marriage? If not, thank you. Next? ‘ That’s ridiculous,” she expressed.

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She also reflected on her upbringing, realizing this wasn’t her first time navigating difficult situations with her parents. Growing up, she often had to lie or hide things from them because openly going against their wishes would have led to conflict.

In addition to the possibility of cutting ties to escape the pressure, the woman is also considering recommending family therapy or counselling. 

“I don’t think I can logically talk this out with them without emotions because from a young age, I have been arguing about the most trivial things with the biggest fights, and it simply feels not worth it… so I’ll need a third person to objectively talk to them if nothing is going to get done,” she said.

“I’d say cutting ties is the shortest route to peace…”

Many were shocked by the scale of the expectations, with some even questioning whether the parents were out of touch with reality. One individual said, “2–3 million? You got to be kidding me.”

Another commented, “I assume you are from a very good family living in a landed house? Otherwise, I cannot wrap my head around how HDB parents have such expectations.”

A third wrote, “I seriously thought this only happens on Chinese shorts (TikTok (aka duoyin)). It’s a bit crazy to expect it to happen in SG.” A fourth expressed, “This is so unbelievable that I struggle to take you seriously. Is your family incredibly rich to begin with?”

Some even believed the parents were attempting to ‘sell their daughter.’ One individual remarked, “Your parents essentially see you as nothing more than livestock to auction off to the highest bidder for their ROI investment in you. You aren’t a child to them anymore; you are essentially a tool for them to sell off.”

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Others, meanwhile, advised the woman to either endure and try to tune out her parents’ demands or take the bold step of moving out and severing ties with them.  One said, “I’d say cutting ties is the shortest route to peace. I’ve seen this play out in so many variants among my friends and even myself. There is only so much they can do if you choose to tune it out. Even better if you can get out of the house sooner rather than later.”

Dowry in Singapore

There’s a tradition called Pin Jin in Chinese weddings, where the groom’s family gives money to the bride’s family as a gesture of respect. This usually happens during the betrothal ceremony. 

According to Seedly, there’s no fixed amount for the dowry, but it typically ranges from $1,888 to $8,888. A sum in the thousands is usually preferred, as anything lower might make it seem like the bride isn’t valued enough. On the other hand, asking for too much could give the impression that the bride’s family is “selling” her.

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Featured image by Depositphotos (for illustration purposes only)