Singapore man says supporting his wife, parents and relatives has left him emotionally drained

SINGAPORE: A Singaporean man in his late 40s recently opened up about the emotional weight of being the family’s go-to problem solver, provider, and safety net. Between supporting his elderly parents, being the sole breadwinner at home and occasionally helping relatives through tough times, he says the responsibilities never seem to stop piling up.

While he considers it a privilege to care for the people he loves, he admitted that constantly being the one others lean on can feel exhausting.

“I don’t blame anyone,” he wrote. “The people around me are generally appreciative. My wife especially. Her understanding, her care, her warmth. Everything about her makes life easier for me. She is still my biggest source of strength and happiness. But, but. Sometimes the responsibilities feel so, so heavy.”

“Sometimes it feels like responsibility compounds. The more reliable you are, the more people naturally turn to you when things go wrong. You become the dependable one. The stable one. The person who figures things out. And after a while, you realise that there aren’t many people carrying you.”

He then shared that his parents, both in their 70s, don’t really have “meaningful retirement savings.”

“I cover their expenses and utilities,” he said. “I sometimes feel what I give isn’t enough, but I try to do more whenever I can.”

His wife, he added, has also not worked for years because of her “health issues,” though he stressed that he has never wanted her to feel pressured to return to work for financial reasons.

“She hasn’t worked for a long time, and I don’t think she needs to. We can manage on my income, and the last thing I want is for her to feel pressured to return to work because of money,” he said.

“She had been doing relatively well after years of treatment and managing her condition, but recently she had a relapse. Watching someone you love suffer while knowing there is very little you can do about it is a horrible feeling. I would take the pain for her if I could.”

His concerns stretch beyond his own household. Over the years, his wife’s family has dealt with a mix of health problems and financial hardship, including periods when government assistance became necessary.

They have made it through those difficult chapters, he said, but the worry never completely disappears.

There are also relatives on his side of the family facing challenges, leaving him with the nagging feeling that if things take a turn for the worse, he may eventually be called upon to help.

“Nobody is asking me for help today, but I’m realistic enough to know that if things get worse, I’ll probably be one of the people expected to step in.”

He added, “What worries me is that if something happens to me financially or medically, there are quite a few people whose lives would be affected. Not because I’m rich. Not because I’m important. Just because so many things somehow depend on me continuing to show up every day.”

The man also admitted that he has not cried or broken down in years because he’s simply been “too busy” for it.

At the end of his post, he wrote, “I’m not writing this for sympathy, because there are people having it worse than me. I know there are families carrying burdens much heavier than mine. I just needed to self-preserve and keep going. The people around me need me. But I need me as well.”

“Keep telling yourself to hold on and not to collapse.”

In the comments, Singaporean Redditors applauded the man’s dedication to his family and urged him to take better care of himself too.

One wrote, “I don’t know if this helps, but I salute you. Life can be tough but it can also be beautiful. It seems like you usually can see the beauty but it’s okay once in a while to feel overwhelmed, especially when you need to be the most dependable one in your circle.”

Another said, “Keep telling yourself to hold on and not to collapse. Look back at how far you’ve come. You are already halfway through your life. Don’t stop now, keep moving forward, and finish the journey.”

A few others also suggested that he give himself permission to pause, unwind, and take a break from carrying everyone else’s burdens.

One commenter told him, “You are doing your best, and I am so proud of you. I have no advice for you. But whenever life overwhelms me, I take a short break to prioritise myself and reset.” 

“Sometimes I take a short solo vacay overseas if I can or do a staycation solo at a hotel here in SG or JB to just relax and take a short respite from family issues/responsibilities back at home. So maybe you can try that and see if it works for you.”/TISG

Read also: ‘They are still working in their 60s’: Singaporean seeks retirement advice for parents