‘I don’t want to grow up as wounded and salty as her’: Student opens up about controlling mum

SINGAPORE: Desperate to break free from his controlling mother’s grip, a university student in Singapore turned to netizens online for advice, asking: “How do I stop living life based on what my mother wants for me?”

In a post shared on the Reddit forum “r/asksg” on Sunday (Jun 7), the student said he feels as though he has never truly decided for himself. According to him, his mother has allegedly dictated almost every aspect of his life, from the school he attended and the bag he carried to class to the meals he ate and even the university course he is currently pursuing.

She also reportedly stopped him from joining school activities and spending time with friends, insisting that such things could wait until he started working full-time.

“I never got to make a single decision in my life,” he wrote. “I am living my life based on how my mum wants me to.”

The student added that he believes his mother is trying to live the life she never had through him.

“My mother never got to live her own life, so now she’s making me live life based on how she wants me to so that she can get a life,” he wrote.

He went on to describe her as “a wounded woman,” recalling how devastated she was during his grandmother’s funeral.

“I remember her crying very badly during my grandmother’s funeral, and she was sharing about how she was being treated unfairly compared to her older brother. How she never got to go to school, how her mother thought that she did something wrong, but it was her brother that did it, etc. She never got to do the things that she wanted to do in life.”

Yet despite understanding the hardships his mother endured, he admitted it has done little to ease his frustration.

“How do I start living my own life and stop living my life for my mother?” he asked. “I went for counselling, and I noticed that I am always deeply frustrated with my life because I never got to choose a single thing. But counselling doesn’t really help much either. Please don’t suggest to me that I move out because I can’t due to my own personal reasons. I don’t want to grow up to be as wounded and salty as her.”

“Start with the small things that you do have control of right now.”

Concerned by his situation, many netizens stepped in with words of encouragement and practical advice.

One suggested that he simply start ignoring his mother’s attempts to control him and begin making his own choices.

“Sometimes you just have to disobey for your own happiness. I’m not saying to disrespect her, though. Just ignore whenever she tries to control you and do your own thing,” the commenter wrote.

Another recommended starting small and taking control of the things he can already decide for himself.

“Sorry to hear this. Start with the small things that you do have control of right now. For example, deciding what you want to eat for lunch when you are in uni. She’s not there to control that. You can pick something that she would disapprove of and enjoy the small freedom of that decision,” they wrote.

The commenter also suggested that he stop feeling obliged to share every detail of his university schedule.

“If you want to hang out with friends after lessons, just tell her you have an important project discussion or you need to consult your lecturer.”

A third commenter, who said they had experienced something similar, sympathised with the student’s struggles.

“You know, sometimes I really wonder why some people have kids. My mum is like your mum. Sometimes I thought my mum shouldn’t have had kids,” they wrote.

“Anyways… You must be rich. Or at least have some comfortable savings. I know you said not to move out, but for me, my life really improved when I moved out. My childhood was already painful. I don’t want my adulthood to also be painful.”

In other news, a 28-year-old software engineer whose salary has remained at S$3,500 a month says he feels “demoralised” after being tasked with training newly hired fresh graduates who are reportedly earning around S$5,500 a month.

In a post shared on Reddit on Tuesday (Jun 2), the engineer said he has been with his company for four years and currently handles a wide range of responsibilities, including maintaining production servers, developing new applications and features, automation work, and both frontend and backend development. His work primarily involves Python, Java, and frontend technologies.

Read more: Software engineer feels undervalued after being tasked with training higher-paid fresh graduates