‘I can’t cook, can’t iron’: Teen says growing up with helper made her feel useless and spoiled against her will

SINGAPORE: For a lot of families here, having a domestic helper feels like a lifesaver. Parents get extra help around the house, childcare becomes more manageable, and daily life runs more smoothly.

But is there a flip side to this? Beyond children growing closer to the helper than their own parents, are there other downsides?

One teenager recently opened up about her experience, saying that having a helper at home has actually done her more harm than good.

“I really don’t want to come off as ungrateful, and I am fully aware that it is a blessing to be able to have a helper, and I’m well appreciative of it,” she began. “However, as someone who has had a helper almost my entire life, I kinda realised that it has impacted me more negatively than positively.”

According to her, she grew up banned from doing housework because her parents insisted the helper should handle everything.

“I can’t cook, can’t iron, can’t do the laundry, vacuum, or change my bedsheets. ALMOST NOTHING. I feel really useless and spoiled against my will. Like I want to learn and help out around the house, but the moment I touch the iron, my parents and the helper would shout, ‘Don’t touch it.’”

The teen also admitted that family outings often left her anxious because of her fear of being seen with the helper in public. “I always panic… In our neighbourhood, I always see people from my school around. It’s damn embarrassing to let people see and know that we have a helper; it makes me look so spoiled.”

Beyond independence, she shared that having a helper in the household has also affected her family’s privacy.

“I can never really speak freely because I know that our helper is always listening. We can’t talk about money, relationships, or work. It gets really bad because my mom stops us from saying a lot of things in front of our helper. It’s quite suffocating, to be honest. Recently, we went on a trip without our helper, and God let me tell you the freedom I felt was insane. I could say ANYTHING.”

While she acknowledged that her mother initially needed the support as a first-time parent with little help from her father, she now questions whether the arrangement still makes sense.

“My siblings aren’t that young anymore. The only thing that having a helper is doing to us is just making every single one of us, the non-working parent and my siblings, lazier and more incapable by the day.”

Ending her post, she asked other locals what they “actually think” of families with helpers at home. “What stereotypes are there? I genuinely wanna know because I’m trying so hard to be independent and appear as capable as everyone else, and I’m trying my best to grasp any opportunity to learn to take care of myself right now.”

“Kudos for actually thinking about this. It’s rare.”

Many Singaporean Redditors responded to the teen’s post, reassuring her that there is nothing inherently wrong with growing up in a household with a helper.

One said that nobody “really cares” since so many families in Singapore already have one.

“Half of SG has a helper,” they wrote. “I think it’s more about how your family views having a helper, e.g. treating them as an outsider in your home. And the part about not being able to do anything on your own, this is the part where you have to communicate with your parents about wanting to help out and learn. I also grew up with a helper, but she was basically family, so we never had trouble talking around her.”

Meanwhile, others praised the teen for actually wanting to learn and become independent, saying it’s a good step forward compared to just relying on someone else to handle everything.

“Kudos for actually thinking about this. It’s rare. Most just take it as their entitlement. I’m always amazed by adults, no matter how old, who can’t take care of themselves at all and are completely dependent on their helpers/parents, still,” one comment read.

“In my opinion, wanting to help out with household chores is quite admirable (till this day I still complain when my mum asks me to help with something),” another Redditor said.

“At the same time, by being afraid of being seen with your helper (because you don’t wanna appear spoiled), you’re alienating her and basically treating her like an outsider. Maybe you should just see your helper as a human with emotions, dreams, and hopes for once and have a conversation with her?” they added.

In other news, a 41-year-old man was stunned to find himself on the receiving end of criticism simply for admitting that he “wanted to be a father at his age.”

Writing anonymously on Reddit’s ‘SingaporeRaw’ forum on Wednesday (Sep 3), he shared that many of those he spoke to reacted harshly, calling him “irresponsible” for even entertaining the thought of fatherhood now.

Read more: ‘Am I too old?’ — 41-year-old man says locals called him ‘irresponsible’ for wanting to be a father at his age