‘Am I too old?’ — 41-year-old man says locals called him ‘irresponsible’ for wanting to be a father at his age

SINGAPORE: A 41-year-old man was stunned to find himself on the receiving end of criticism simply for admitting that he “wanted to be a father at his age.”

Writing anonymously on Reddit’s ‘SingaporeRaw’ forum on Wednesday (Sep 3), he shared that many of those he spoke to reacted harshly, calling him “irresponsible” for even entertaining the thought of fatherhood now. 

“For what it’s worth, the backlash that I am receiving is coming from locals and local ladies,” he wrote. “I feel like the local scene is more harsh towards older men who wants to be father.”

The man explained that his decision to delay starting a family wasn’t because he was careless or immature. Back in his late 20s and early 30s, he deliberately put dating aside because he was weighed down by financial pressures and an unstable career. 

He believed it was wiser to focus on building a stable life before thinking about children. Then, at 33, he went through a devastating breakup with a woman he truly thought was “the one.” The heartbreak left him reeling, and before he could recover, Covid hit, throwing his life even further off course.

Now in his 40s, after years of setbacks, he says he finally has the stability he once lacked. “I’m now financially stable. Have my own five-room HDB flat, renting out the spare bedrooms and earning income,” he said, stressing that he is not the reckless, irresponsible person people are painting him out to be.

Seeking honest feedback, he asked fellow forum users: “Is 41 or 42 really too old to be a first-time father?”

“Life happens, man. Don’t let others affect you.”

In the thread, responses quickly poured in, with many Singaporean Redditors encouraging him to ignore the unsolicited opinions of others.

One Redditor wrote, “As a parent, I’ll advise you to ignore what other people say about taking care of a child, especially if they have no children of their own or have not been taking care of a baby in the last five years. After I became a dad, I realised everybody loves to give ‘advice’; like they’re the expert, but much of this advice is not relevant.”

Another shared, “No. I think, nowadays, the Singaporean father’s median age is going up. Life happens, man. Don’t let others affect you. My bf is going to be in his late 40s, and I expect a child next year. Praying hard that we can make one next year.”

A third commented, “My only daughter was born when I was 49. It’s never too late. Best moment of my 57 years of life.”

A fourth added, “My father was in his late 40s when he had me. Screw the people giving you backlash; who are they to decide?”

Health risks for babies of older dads

Beyond the social pressures or stigma that older fathers might face, researchers from Stanford University are urging men to “think carefully” before having children after the age of 45, as doing so may carry health risks for their offspring.

The study analysed over 40 million births in the United States and found that babies born to fathers aged 45 and above showed subtle but significant differences compared with those of men aged 25 to 34. On average, these infants weighed about 20 grams less than babies of younger fathers.

The research also revealed higher chances of complications for children of older dads. They were 14% more likely to be born prematurely, 14% more likely to have low birthweight (under 2.5 kilograms), and 14% more likely to need care in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). Additionally, the risk of seizures was 18% higher in this group.

Read also: Woman engaged for three years admits she may be ‘just settling’ with her fiancé, says she’s unsure about BTO-ing