SINGAPORE: A Singaporean woman shared on social media that she’s having a hard time getting her 69-year-old mum to accept her decision to move out and live on her own.
Posting anonymously on the NUSWhispers Facebook page on Sunday (May 11), the woman, who is in her late 20s and identifies as gay, explained that she had been considering moving out for a long time. However, the problem was that each time she broached the subject, it ended in emotional outbursts or guilt-tripping.
“I’ve been telling her [my mum] for the past two years that I’d really like to move out. We recently had this conversation again, and she’s keen for me to BTO with her,” the woman wrote.
“I’ve explained that I intend to move out in the next couple of years, not only because I genuinely feel we need some time apart, but also because I think the housing market is something I’d like to enter soon, and she’s ended up throwing a HUGE tantrum, threatening me with suicide, saying that if she dies I’ll be relieved of a burden, that she recognises she’s a burden, and that she never expected that I’d abandon her.”
The woman added that her mum’s reaction brought back painful memories from her childhood. “She ended off with tears, with anger, and with reiterating suicide, and I chose to walk off because this was how my childhood was like, with her threatening death every time I did something wrong.”
Moreover, the woman shared that throughout their lives, it had always just been the two of them — she as an only child and her mum as a single parent. She always did her best to show love to her mum. When her mum retired during her college years, she fully supported her, providing a generous allowance while also paying for her own school fees.
But over time, she said she began to feel more like a “caregiver” than a daughter and that their relationship had become toxic.
She admitted, “I’ve grown resentful over the years (yes, filial piety and all can start now, but I can honestly say I’ve done more than my fair share of supporting her), and I’m starting to feel the onset of depression at the thought of being chained with her for the rest of my life.”
Despite her frustration and exhaustion, the woman made it clear that she has no intention of abandoning her mum.
“I do not intend to toss her aside; I do not intend to leave her without care; she is the most important person in my life. But I recognise that I really need to have some boundaries with her, and I’d like to start living my life on my own terms. I still want to spend time with her; I want to go out with her. I just need to move on to the next stage in my life, and I’d like to have my own space in the future.”
She ended her post by asking for advice on how to communicate her needs clearly and compassionately to a parent who refuses to let go.
“It’s time to think of your own future.”
In the comments, many netizens chimed in to offer their advice. Some suggested that she consider enrolling her mum in a “daycare centre” where she could interact with others and form new friendships. This, they felt, might help her mum become less emotionally reliant on her.
Others advised reassuring her mum that she has no intention of cutting ties, and even proposed buying a flat near their current home. That way, she could still visit often and maintain their close relationship while having her own space.
A number of netizens also commended the woman for shouldering such a heavy responsibility over the years. One wrote, “Give yourself a huge pat on the back for doing all that you’ve done. It’s time to think of your own future and do some planning for your life ahead. ”
Still, there were a few who tried to convince the woman to see things from her mum’s perspective. One said, “No matter how you word it, to your mom, she is old and useless, and you just want to get rid of her so you can lead your own life.”
“The way I see it, you just don’t want to take care of her lah….I can assure you, moving out is one step closer to abandoning her. You might visit her once a week or twice a week, but over time, when you get the taste of freedom, you will just visit once a month, or once every few months, especially so if you do not have a partner who is filial. I suggest you make other arrangements instead of saying you want to move out.”
How to tell your parents you’re ready to move out
If you find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship with your parents, still being treated like a child with curfews, lacking privacy in your own home, and yet you’re financially independent and yearning for your own space, that’s often a strong indication that it may be time to move out and start living on your own terms.
However, taking that step can be tricky, especially if your parents are emotionally dependent on you or strongly disapprove of the idea. In such situations, relationship and family experts advise taking a gradual and gentle approach. Instead of announcing your plans all at once, try introducing the idea slowly over time. Begin by having honest conversations about your need for independence and reassure them that your love and support will remain unchanged even if you no longer live under the same roof.
You could also offer to visit regularly, such as once a week, or invite them over for meals to maintain a sense of connection. Involving them in small parts of your new life, like asking for help with furnishing your new place, may also ease their worries. These consistent efforts can help your parents feel more secure and valued, which might make the transition easier for everyone.
Featured image by Depositphotos (for illustration purposes only)