SINGAPORE: Unsure how to react, a man turned to social media for advice after his partner told him she would leave him in a nursing home if he were no longer capable of loving her.
“It’s clear that if she no longer feels that I can sense her love, she would leave me to be happy. Specifically, that means if I have dementia, she would leave me in a nursing home and look for happiness with someone else,” the man shared on r/askSingapore on Sunday (Feb 18).
The man, on the other hand, appeared to disagree with his partner, having spent enough time in nursing homes with his loved ones to see firsthand how miserable the experience can be.
“I have a different take in that even if a loved one can’t remember, or their personality is diminished, or even if they’re bedridden or unconscious, they still deserve love.
At least, I would want to still be loved, and not abandoned by those I love and whom I thought loved me when I’m at my weakest, at the very end of it all, and I feel like I would want to give as much to the people I love: to be with them, keep them safe and happy, until the end,” the man explained.
He then stated that, rationally, he understood her point of view. But he couldn’t help but feel sad about her stance, even if it never played out.
“What would you do in such a scenario? Do you think something like this can be rationalized away? This doesn’t change how I feel about her, but I wonder how betrayed I would feel in that scenario, and if I should be feeling betrayed already,” the man asked.
“Yes to the nursing home if it’s necessary. No to abandoning them”
Most Singaporean Redditors who commented agreed that it’s fine to be placed in a nursing home since it would be better to get professional help and not burden their family members.
In terms of being completely abandoned and “leaving to look for happiness with someone else,” however, many disagreed with his partner since they were supposed to stick through “sickness and health.”
One Redditor who had a firsthand experience of caring for a loved one with dementia at home said, “Yes to the nursing home if it’s necessary. No to abandoning them. I would not leave them to be with another person. I would visit them often.
If I had infinite resources, I would let them stay at home, get all the necessary equipment (hospital bed, medical equipment, etc.), and hire 24/7 professional help. Unfortunately, I don’t. When the time comes (the disease is hereditary), we’ll have to look for a place together.”
Another Redditor also shared her experience, “I’ve put my mum in the nursing home temporarily before, and my dad agreed. I’m used to people calling me unfilial/heartless/selfish during that period. But caregiver burnout is real.
During the 3 months she was in a nursing facility, he visited her everyday. But at the end of the day he could go home for a good night’s sleep. Everyone’s physical and mental health got better.”
One Redditor also chimed in and said, “There are some circumstances where nursing homes offer the expertise and specialised care we cannot at home. But to leave to find happiness with someone else? What happened to in sickness or in health?”
Only a handful of Redditors took his partner’s side and stated that she was at least “realistic.”
One Redditor added, “There is no right or wrong in such situations. The question to you is, can you accept how she says she will behave. I think she has been very fair in being upfront.
It is I think not just about how she says she will behave it’s also a question of perspective and values and how she views a relationship.”
When to consider nursing homes
According to Eastleigh Care Homes, if you’re struggling to meet your partner’s care needs, and perhaps even your own needs, then it’s time to consider what kind of support you can get.
Ask yourself if you can meet your partner’s physical care needs without feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or exhausted.
Can you leave your partner alone? Can you take care of yourself in addition to your partner, including things like cooking, housework, and hobbies? If not, then maybe it’s time to have “the talk” with your partner or other family members.
Here are other signs that it’s time to place your loved one in a nursing home:
Medications remain untouched. If you see your loved one’s medications lying around unopened and piling up, it’s a warning sign that you can’t ignore. Failing to take medication or not taking it at all can have serious repercussions.
By having them moved into a nursing home, they’ll have a trained staff member on hand to ensure they take their medications as and when needed. This provides you and your loved one peace of mind, knowing they are being looked after.
Toileting issues. If your loved one is having difficulty getting to the bathroom on time and without assistance, waking up to a wet bed, or suffering more accidents due to reduced mobility or bowel control, it is probably time to talk to them about a nursing facility.
Reduced mobility. If your loved one is experiencing pain when moving around the house, has difficulty getting up in the morning, or cannot walk without a walker or cane, it is a sure sign that your loved one would be more comfortable and safer under expert care.
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