Wife says husband dismisses her feelings and makes her feel like a stranger around his family

SINGAPORE: A wife took to social media to share that she feels utterly alone in her marriage because her husband constantly dismisses her concerns and makes her feel like a stranger around his family whenever they visit his hometown.

In her post on the r/asksg forum, she explained that her husband expects her to socialise and fit in on her own and shuts her down whenever she tries to express how hurt or overwhelmed she feels at family events.

“He gives me zero support,” she said. “I feel like an unrelated person, a stranger who doesn’t know what to do in his house, and I feel so insecure and emotional seeing his unbothered face while he leaves me alone.”

On one occasion, he even told her he “didn’t want to deal” with her, which left her in tears.

“I was ‘dumb’ enough to reach out to him, and I ended up crying at the table. In the end, it was all my fault. He accused me of ruining his family event, and nobody took my side. I felt so alone, which only made me cry more.”

“Now, he refuses to travel overseas because he says going out would be unhappy. To me, this feels like [a form of punishment], and he has admitted to punishing me because he believes I ruined his family event.”

The wife further shared that, as much as she wants to just stay back and not attend these family gatherings, she cannot do so.

She recalled, “Once, when I stayed behind to focus on myself studying for a master’s instead of following him to his hometown, he cheated on me.”

“I haven’t forgotten that, even a year later. It is still deep inside me. Sometimes, when I feel helpless, I mention it, but now he just feels annoyed by his own mistake and takes his temper out on me.”

Other problems in their marriage

The wife also mentioned that aside from the alienation and infidelity, their living situation is also “so stressful” because they have no privacy.

“We are living in a small, rented common room belonging to my ex-sister-in-law. There is no privacy; if I cry or react, through my SIL, my mother probably will hear about it, and because of our combined household income, we can’t apply for PPHS housing or have our own space, and our lives are just stressful because of it.”

Despite being miserable, the wife said leaving the marriage isn’t an option, as they already have an upcoming Build-To-Order (BTO) flat. She personally paid the down payment using her CPF savings, and the flat is expected to be completed in about five years.

“I know many of you will encourage me to divorce or leave him. But there are really too many prices to pay,” she wrote. “And my parents are overseas, and I have very little support here. I’m not close with my family and don’t want them to know about this.”

Seeking advice, she turned to the online community, asking how they might repair their marriage without resorting to divorce and how she could build ‘a family’ with her husband.

“For him, ‘family’ is still his own father and brother. Can we have somebody to help educate us on how we can create our own family?” she asked. “We really have a plan to have a baby, but due to such a situation, I know he/she in heaven is not going to choose us as parents either. I hope to change.”

“Losing your BTO deposit is better than staying in the marriage.”

Although the wife stated in her post that divorce is not an option, many users still encouraged her to leave her husband.

One comment read, “I would walk out of the relationship. What’s the point if I’m always sad or upset? And your husband already cheated on you before that; that would be my breaking point. I would ask myself what’s keeping me in this relationship. I would divorce and find a more supportive partner.”

Another said, “Leave him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If he can cheat on you once, he can do that again. Please don’t bring a child into this. Your child will grow up in trauma with a father like him.” 

A third added, “I think cheating is the least of your problems. The guy is obviously an avoidant personality type who refuses to seek resolution or even acknowledge problems. I have no idea why you rush into marriage or BTO with such a guy. Losing your BTO deposit is better than staying in the marriage.”

A few others, however, suggested that the couple try going for counselling first. 

One wrote, “Sounds like you are a Singaporean married to a foreigner, right? You are not close to his family and are unable to connect with them; you expect your husband to open the way to your family, and he expects you to cope on your own. It is a mismatch of expectations. Counselling will help you to view your situation more clearly and guide you to solutions.”

In other news, a Singaporean jobseeker confessed on social media that it “feels demoralising” watching everyone else around him “thrive in their careers” or land new jobs with apparent ease, while he has spent the past six months desperately chasing roles with barely any success.

Turning to the r/singaporejobs forum on Tuesday (Mar 10), he questioned whether the difficulty he is experiencing might be a sign that he is simply not competitive enough in the current job market.

“Is the SG job market really that bad, or am I just not qualified enough?” he wrote. “Is my resume just not good enough to get attention from recruiters?”

Read more: Local asks, ‘Is the SG job market really that bad or am I just not qualified enough?’