Singapore — Sexologist Dr Martha Tara Lee has published a video on YouTube in response to a TISG article headlined “Girlfriend: ‘I have higher sex drive than him… not sure why he’s not keen on having sex’ — Two women seek advice.”
Dr Lee, a relationship counsellor as well as a clinical sexologist, answers the women’s questions at length. There are a number of reasons that a man may not want to engage in sexual intimacy, says Dr Lee, who also offers advice to those seeking help in this area.
On her website, Dr Lee is described as Singaporean and is said to have a doctorate in human sexuality, a master’s degree in counselling among other degrees. The website also describes her as the clinical sexologist of the Singapore Cancer Society.
To backtrack: Two women with very similar sex drives had sought advice on why their partners are not keen on having sex with them as frequently as they desire. They took their problems to NUSWhispers on Nov 23 in the hopes of solving the conundrum.
One woman, who’s been dating her partner for the past year and a half said the last time they had sex was “probably 5-6 months ago.”
The other woman has been with her boyfriend for five years and was wondering if her partner could be “either gay or asexual”.
Both women said they did have sex with their partners at the beginning of their relationships.
Dr Lee said that it’s common for women to feel unattractive and to blame themselves when their partners lose interest in sex.
Here are the things she said can be looked at in the light of this problem:
- Is the man masturbating (alone, in the absence of his partner)? If so, how often? The answer to this could be used as a gauge for his sexual drive. Masturbation may show that they have a sex drive, but don’t necessarily want to have sex with their partner.
“Sex with yourself and sex with your partner is actually quite different. A lot of people prefer to have sex with themselves… it’s easy, takes less time, less effort,” she added.
2. Another aspect to explore is whether the man may have some religious guilt.
3. Couples can also discuss the role and importance of sex in the relationship, whether the man sees the woman just for companionship.
4. She acknowledged that tiredness, stress, and anxiety are all real, and said that she brainstorms with the couples she counsels as to how to manage their time better.
5. Another thing to look at is waning sexual attraction when the “honeymoon phase” is over. She said that this is not necessarily a bad thing, it just needs addressing.
Dr Lee called it a “brain chemistry thing”.
“I want you to know that our brain chemistry changes over time,” she told viewers. But it does happen that “you are less attracted to your partner”.
6. It could also be “a gender thing” in that many men do not like feeling pressured or being told what to do. Sex can then become like a task, or even “a KPI” she added. Couples can look at the tone in a manner with which they communicate so that they don’t feel pressured to perform.
7. After the “honeymoon period” comes a time when couples are so focused on other things that they get too tired for sex. They need to manage their energies and time and prioritise each other.
8. Couples can also look at whether there are any existing sexual difficulties men may be experiencing and not want to admit it, and run away from the problem. She helps clients develop greater confidence in these areas.
Making sex a priority is important. The stereotype of men “always being horny” is unhelpful, she added, because we all have a finite amount of time and energy, and people deal with stress in different ways.
The bio of Dr Lee, who is with Eros Coaching, says she’s a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) and certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She also holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, Masters in Counseling, Certificates in Sex Therapy, Practical Counselling and Life Coaching. /TISG
Read also: “Girlfriend: ‘I have higher sex drive than him… not sure why he’s not keen on having sex’ — Two women seek advice.”
Girlfriend: “I have higher sex drive than him… not sure why he’s not keen on having sex.” — Two women seek advice
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