‘In my 30s, friendship feels like scheduling a board meeting — is this just adulthood?’

SINGAPORE: When you’re in your 20s, friendships usually spin around freedom and impetuosity. You enjoy late-night dinners, last-minute trips, and long conversations after work that stretch into the early morning, but as you approach your 30s, things begin to change. That same carefree connection starts to need effort, planning, and sometimes even a shared Google Calendar.

One Redditor recently described this bittersweet shift perfectly. “Now that I’m nearing my 30s, I realize keeping up friendships is not as easy as it used to be,” she wrote. “Work itself is already tiring, and sometimes meeting friends feels like another commitment.” Despite the fatigue, she still wants to spend time with friends. Life just keeps getting in the way. With long work hours, family duties, and the logistics of adulthood, even planning a simple dinner can take weeks of discussion. An overseas trip? That feels like a major surgical operation.

“No offence taken”

Some commenters offered a more relaxed view. One netizen in her 30s said, “I don’t worry about preserving or continuing friendships. If we feel like getting together, we invite each other. If life is too busy, we’re honest about it — no offense taken.”

Their approach embraces the idea that true friendships don’t need constant upkeep. “We try to understand each other as we navigate different stages of life. If they care about you, you won’t grow apart just because you don’t meet regularly, but if by any chance, the connection is severed, then so be it.”

“Singles, form your own squad”

However, not all friendships adapt to these changes in the same way. One commenter made a pointed observation: “I think childfree singles should form their own group to make plans with because your married friends with kids won’t be able to be there for you.”

This is a reality many encounter. As friends settle down and start families, priorities change. Some couples become a unit, with limited time for solo outings or trips. “They should be friends with other couples,” the commenter concluded, perhaps only half-joking.

Others disagreed. A married commenter with two kids commented, “I still make it to meetups with some groups of friends without my kids and husband. Unless their spouses join, my husband does his own thing.” It serves as a reminder that the situation isn’t always straightforward — some individuals fiercely protect their friendships, even amidst family life.

Mastering the art of planning

Everyone seems to agree on one thing: spontaneity isn’t as feasible as it used to be. “I make plans well in advance, sometimes 2 to 3 months ahead,” one Redditor explained. Their method even involves renaming WhatsApp group chats with the planned meetup date. A week before? They check in again just to confirm. “It’s really a combination of lifestyles,” they added. “So, you just have to compromise.”

It’s meticulous, yes, but often necessary when friends juggle different life stages and commitments. Without this deliberate effort, get-togethers can easily linger in the “someday” category.

Friendship in the margins

Then, some have experienced friendship as a slower process. One netizen shared a meaningful reflection. “I never really had friends growing up,” she wrote. It wasn’t until her 20s that a small group started to form — and that evolved further over time.

Now in their 40s, they maintain a cherished bond with a former coworker who lives nearby. Notwithstanding the work from home and demanding timetables, they found inventive ways to stay linked — from unplanned work gatherings at each other’s homes to consistent WhatsApp updates. “The key is to stay in touch every week or so,” they said. “You’ll go crazy with only your spouse or kids to talk to.”

A new definition of friendship

If there’s one shared theme in these stories, it’s this — bonds in adulthood look different, but they remain just as meaningful. The spontaneity may vanish, substituted by shared datebooks and “let’s check in again next month” text messages — but the connection can very well still prosper if there’s reciprocated understanding and effort.

Possibly, that’s the spirit of it. As people advance through different life stages — professions, marriages, parenthood, physical transfers — their friendships evolve the same way. Some diminish, some are reinforced, and some vary in form, but as long as we make room for each other, even in the margins, friendship can continue to thrive.