SINGAPORE: A Singaporean man who has spent almost two decades financially supporting his mother has turned to Reddit to ask whether he is wrong for wanting to reduce her allowance so he can focus on marriage and starting a family with his girlfriend.
Posting on Reddit’s r/asksg forum on Wednesday (Jun 3), the man shared that he has been giving his mother 15% of his salary since he first started working. In addition to the monthly allowance, he also pays for her Netflix subscription and medical insurance.
While he said he had never had an issue with the arrangement, he admitted that his circumstances and priorities are no longer the same as they were years ago. With marriage now on the horizon, he is beginning to feel the pressure of balancing his responsibilities towards his mother with his own plans for the future.
“My girlfriend and I are discussing marriage,” he wrote. “We’ve been together since 2019. She is a low-income foreign worker who speaks Mandarin and basic English. She is incredibly frugal, rarely asks for anything, and earns under S$2,000 a month.”
‘I told her to stop treating me as a lifetime meal ticket’
The conflict reportedly began when his mother started encouraging the couple to have a child.
According to the man, he responded by explaining that having a baby was financially unrealistic unless he reduced the amount of money he currently gives her each month.
“I told her flatly that a baby is not financially viable right now unless the money comes from somewhere, specifically a reduction in the monthly allowance I give her.”
In the heat of the argument, he also revealed some long-held frustrations.
“I told my mother she needs to stop treating me as a lifetime meal ticket and find her own income. I suggested she rent out my bedroom once I move out, but she flatly refused due to her ‘fear of strangers’. She also refuses to seek any part-time work, citing her lack of English and claiming there are ‘bad people’ everywhere.”
His mother reportedly reacted angrily, accusing him of being “unfilial” and refusing to care for her.
He also alleged that she tried to guilt-trip him by bringing up the hardships she endured while working unpaid for his grandmother during her younger years.
When he responded that it was “just her fate” — a phrase he said she once used on him after he failed his exams — the argument escalated further.
“She told me she should never have given birth to me and invoked religious curses,” he wrote. “She then used my girlfriend as a punching bag. She claims my girlfriend ‘changed me’, will ‘con me of everything and leave the country’, and looks down on her job, saying my girlfriend is lucky a university graduate wants her.”
According to him, his mother is also strongly opposed to the idea of him giving his future wife an allowance.
“She is fiercely against me giving my future wife an allowance, and against my girlfriend sending money back to her own parents, claiming my girlfriend has siblings to do that whereas my mother ‘only has me’.”
“I told her that while I am indebted to her to a point, she has been free-riding for nearly two decades.”
Wanting outside perspectives, he asked fellow Redditors: “AITA (Am I The A***ole) for wanting to reduce my dependent mother’s allowance so I can marry and start a family?”
A long history of financial dependence
To explain why he feels the way he does, the man shared more details about his mother’s background.
According to him, she has not worked since 1995 and has consistently resisted suggestions that she seek employment.
He said she speaks no English and often describes the outside world as being full of “bad people”, something he believes has become her justification for avoiding work altogether.
Following his father’s death in 2007, she reportedly relied on an insurance payout left behind by her late husband.
“Originally, the money was split 50% to her and 50% between my brother and me, but out of trust, both my brother and I gave her our shares. She spent my portion buying me a motorcycle. My elder brother eventually cut contact with her completely due to her heavy favouritism towards me.”
Despite being the “favoured” child, the man claimed that his mother did not support his educational ambitions.
“I put myself through university via night classes and bank loans. My mother was heavily against me getting a degree, claiming ‘degree holders are jobless’. Despite her lack of support, I now earn a degree-level salary.”
“15% isn’t all that high.”
The post quickly attracted responses, with many Singaporean Redditors sympathising with the man’s situation and arguing that parents should not expect lifelong financial support at the expense of their children’s future plans.
One commenter wrote, “At some point you have to prioritise yourself. Filial piety should never be at the expense of your own future. If you are relying on her (example, staying at her house), move out asap and establish boundaries.”
Another commented, “Don’t let your parents gaslight you!!! They’re adults, and they need to be responsible for their own life.”
Others felt the issue was more complicated and argued that the man was being unfair, particularly given his mother’s age and circumstances.
One critic pointed out that his mother had spent years supporting him and accused him of lacking gratitude.
They said, “It’s because of people like you that the gov’t had to come up with ‘Maintenance of Parents Act.’ I feel sad for your mum. It must’ve been due to her favoritism towards you that brought you up wrongly, never instilling the right values in you. You guys obviously can’t afford luxuries, and yet she’s willing to help you get a motorcycle, which resulted in your brother cutting ties.
“Her world literally has only you, and you are this pathetic charsiew who is ASKING HER TO GET A JOB. ASKING HER, A WIDOWER LIVING ON HER OWN, TO SHARE HER HOME WITH A STRANGER TO SUPPLEMENT HER INCOME all over a foreign worker.”
Another added, “15% isn’t all that high. Many parents make such demands..”/TISG
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