SINGAPORE: A Singaporean woman has sparked an online discussion about emotional availability and long-term compatibility after sharing her doubts about whether her relationship with a 33-year-old man with a “dismissive-avoidant attachment style” can truly last.
In a post shared on the NUSWhispers Facebook page, the 29-year-old said she has always considered herself emotionally secure and initially believed her boyfriend’s avoidant tendencies were manageable.
However, cracks have begun to show. She explained that when her partner feels “overwhelmed,” often due to unresolved childhood trauma, he retreats behind emotional walls. During these periods, he can go completely silent for days, offering no warning and only explaining his absence after he resurfaces.
What troubled her most was discovering that while he claimed to lack the emotional capacity to communicate with her, he was still able to socialise actively. She shared that he had recently attended a friend’s party, mingled freely, and even exchanged Instagram handles with new acquaintances, including women.
“He says he doesn’t have the capacity to communicate, but it’s hard not to feel disappointed that while he’s not contacting me, he still has the energy to engage with others,” she wrote. “It makes me overthink — what if he clicks with someone he meets? Does he respond to them quickly while I’m waiting days just to hear from him?”
Despite her doubts, she stressed that she does not believe he is intentionally manipulating her.
“I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and genuinely believe he needs his own space, which I respect. But it leaves me with conflicting feelings,” she added. “I really do endear and love him, but sometimes I can’t help feeling like a spare tire, if that makes sense.”
Seeking advice, she asked netizens, “Has anyone ever dated someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, or is in a long-term marriage that actually works? I’m wondering if this can actually be healthy long-term.”
“I know every relationship has issues, so I’m more of a resolver than someone who gives the death penalty (wah pls, I sometimes think I’m a gem partner). I’d really appreciate any advice or personal experiences. Thank you so much.”
“Dating a dismissive avoidant is like dating alone in a relationship.”
In the comments, several netizens were critical of the woman’s boyfriend, with some saying his behaviour showed a lack of emotional maturity.
One commenter slammed him for not “manning up” and making what they called “dumb excuses”. “He is 33, not 3. He needs to man up and deal with it like a man, not run away for a few days and lose contact just because he doesn’t want to talk,” they wrote. “At the end of the day, you should ask yourself this: would you want your own daughter to be with this guy?”
Another agreed with this view, writing, “Your partner is taking advantage of your weakness in the relationship. You are too deeply in love and have loved the wrong person. I believe you can find someone much, much better than him. Bite the bullet and leave him as quickly as possible.”
A third, meanwhile, gave her a reality check, saying, “Sorry to say, he’s not really that into you. If he’s always needing space and feeling overwhelmed, maybe you can try not to nag so much or speak less when you’re with him.”
A fourth added, “Dating a dismissive avoidant is like dating alone in a relationship. They will only be present when times are good. When things get too overwhelming, they ghost.”
In other news, a manager has turned to the internet for advice after a workplace lunch arrangement spiralled into an HR issue, when a Malay employee complained that she felt excluded because her four Chinese colleagues regularly went for meals without her.
Posting on the r/askSingapore Reddit forum on Monday (Dec 15), the manager said he had more or less tried everything within reason to deal with the situation.
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