Man claims parents always favoured his sister — until she went no-contact, leaving them dependent on him

SINGAPORE: A Singaporean man has found himself shouldering his parents’ financial and practical needs after his older sister, whom he says was always their favourite child, cut ties with the family.

In an anonymous post on the NUSWhispers Facebook page, the man said his parents had made it clear from a young age that he was not their favourite child.

He stressed that this was not because he was particularly troublesome or disobedient. Rather, he said his parents had originally only wanted one child, and he ended up being the younger sibling they had not planned for.

Growing up, he claimed the difference in treatment between him and his older sister was difficult to miss.

“They showed a lot of favouritism to my older sibling growing up,” he wrote, giving examples such as his parents buying her more toys and sponsoring her graduation trip, while he received neither.

The favouritism allegedly continued into adulthood. When he eventually wanted to get married, his father was reportedly unhappy because he believed the younger sibling should not marry before the older one.

Despite feeling overlooked, the man said he and his sister actually became close as they grew older.

“My sister and I recognised that they are toxic parents, and both of us grew quite close because of this ‘shared childhood with toxic parents’ and enjoy a good relationship.”

“They would verbally [abuse] us, gaslight us, etc. I attribute that to an unhappy marriage, which they forcefully continued simply because of the kids. They have somehow projected their stress and unhappiness onto us.”

Things, however, changed about a year ago, when his sister turned 35.

She moved out and decided to cut ties with their parents completely after years of disagreements. The man said he did not blame her for making that decision and understood why she had reached her limit.

Her departure, though, left him in a difficult position.

“My parents had “automatically” relied on me for everything now, from financial support to logistic support. I have my own family now, and they have no regard of my situation. They are also not intending to ask my sister for help since she has sort of declare to them that she is ‘done with them.’”

“I feel the stress of having to look after them alone and a certain level of unfairness, yet I can’t seem to be able to be as ‘harsh’ as my sister to cut ties with them. I just wanted to rant this out and hear my people with similar experience,” he concluded.

‘Your main responsibility is on your own family’

Many commenters sympathised with the son and the difficult position he was in. Some felt that he should consider cutting ties with his parents if the situation was affecting his own well-being.

One told him, “Change your phone number and block them. Your priority is your own family, not them anymore. Go hang out with your in-laws instead.”

Others, however, did not think he had to cut contact with his parents entirely. They advised him to set clearer boundaries and scale back the support he provides them.

One commenter wrote, “You don’t need to cut the ties with them entirely. You simply need to reduce your support to them. Never let them guilt trip you. Remember, your main responsibility is on your own family.”

Another said, “I agree with this. When they ask for help, just say, ‘No, I can’t this time’. You are allowed to say ‘no’ and help when you can or want to. If they gaslight or verbally abuse you for not helping more, remind them that you’re the only one they have now and just deal with it.”

A few others also suggested that he speak to his sister about their parents’ situation.

One user asked him, “Have you spoken with your sis on how the two of you intend to handle your parents’ ageing lifestyle? Perhaps she might want to contribute in some way, and that might help both of you plan.” 

“Even if she doesn’t, it’s helpful for you to know what kind of help you need and what you can commit to. This is probably possible since you mentioned the good relationship you share with your sis.”/TISG

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