‘Our lives will henceforth forever be different’: Singapore woman on growing apart from SAHM friend

SINGAPORE: Friendships can fade for many reasons, from betrayal and one-sided effort to a breach of trust or simply growing apart.

For one Singaporean woman, however, the growing distance between her and a close friend may have more to do with their vastly different lifestyles.

In an anonymous post on the r/asksg forum, the woman said her friend, who is in her late 30s, has been a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) for about eight years.

Over time, she felt her friend had become increasingly disconnected from the everyday struggles faced by others.

According to the woman, her friend had enjoyed a relatively smooth life. She had good grades, attended a top local university without needing tuition, grew up with supportive parents and secured a BTO without having to ballot multiple times.

The woman felt this had led her friend to take certain things for granted, particularly when it came to financial pressures and challenges faced by other Singaporeans.

“Over the years, I find that she took things for granted or lived life in her SAHM bubble and doesn’t understand the reality of the struggles out there (e.g. how hard it is to get a ballot number for BTO). I didn’t think this would happen because of how easily accessible to the world we get with our phones and internet. My own SAHM mother is clueless too, but that’s because she really stayed home in an era where there was much less outside connection,” the woman explained.

“She is my good friend, and for a long time, she was the only person who was nonjudgmental and could understand THINGS. But after these years, because she lived in a bubble, it seemed naive, and she seems unable to see from others’ perspective. Perhaps I gotta grieve the friendship and come to terms that our lives will henceforth forever be different. Has anyone had similar experiences and any advice, please?”

“We all have different lived experiences”

The post drew mixed reactions, with several commenters saying they felt the woman’s assessment of her friend was unfair.

One commenter pointed out that being a SAHM does not mean someone has an easy life.

“She has her struggles too. Have you asked her about them?” they wrote. “I’m all for women having careers. I’m a DINK and pro-childfree. But I find this post slightly unkind. The way you make it sound, it’s like, ‘oh she’s had it so good.’ Nobody has it that easy all the time. “

“I have a SAHM friend, and she has her own problems. If she’s as non-judgey as you say, you should hold on to that. That quality gets rarer in friends as you get older. And you can attest to that.”

Another commented, “I agree that the post is slightly unkind. It also reads from a sense of superiority over the friend and a lot of ‘me.’ We all have different lived experiences.”

A third shared, “I have been a SAHM for 20 years, so yes, I live in my own bubble, but is that bad? I don’t really care so much about the rest of the world because it’s not my problem. My priority is raising my kids and making sure they are happy and healthy.”

Some commenters, however, said they could relate to the woman’s concerns, particularly those who had grown up with mothers who stayed at home.

One commenter said her own mother had graduated from university in the 1980s but became a SAHM after working for only a few years. Her father was financially successful, the children were all unproblematic, and the family had experienced a relatively smooth life.

As a result, she felt her mother struggled to understand the pressures her children faced as adults, including workplace stress and fears about unemployment.

“I feel that she does not handle adversity well, and because of the bubble she’s lived in (and continues to live in) she does not understand our stresses at work, fears of unemployment, etc. at all.” 

“I also feel like she does not understand or handle interpersonal relationships well simply because she has not had experience handling people as you would in the working world.”

Another said, “Similar experience here. After so many years of being SAHM and boss of the home with a well-behaved child and husband who reach all her KPIs, my mum forgot what it’s like to be in environments where you just can’t control things, where things just don’t go your way, and all the stresses are outside of managing a household.”

In other news, a woman in Singapore recently faced backlash on Reddit after sharing that she found herself less attracted to a man she had gone on two dates with because they both paid for their meals, which made their dynamic feel “pretty equal” to her.

Taking to the r/sgdatingscene subreddit on Monday (Aug 10), the woman in her 20s said the man initially seemed like “a pretty good option” on paper.

Read more: ‘It feels too equal’: Singapore woman says 50/50 dating made her less attracted to man after 2 dates