Redditor says he has ‘very little love’ for absentee father, asks about Maintenance of Parents Act

SINGAPORE: Conversations regarding the ‘Maintenance of Parents Act’ have re-emerged online, following a frustrated son’s post on Reddit where he expressed his reluctance to “care for” or “support” his 50-year-old father, who reportedly never provided any form of support to the family.

In a post on the r/askSingapore forum, the son explained that his father does not work, and every attempt to coax him into finding a job has failed.

“Whenever my mom broaches the topic with him, he just stonewalls her. He stonewalls pretty much any issue we try to discuss with him, to be honest.. Just ignores us, which really pisses me off, seeing a grown 50-year-old man choosing to close his eyes and pretend problems don’t exist instead of addressing them properly.”

The son also claimed his father refuses to do any housework and has largely been absent throughout his upbringing.

Describing their relationship as “cold” and distant, he said his father was not a “terrible parent” in the conventional sense, as he had no drinking or gambling problems and was not unfaithful, but he was emotionally absent and had become “deadweight” within the family.

“He’s just completely absentee and is kinda a deadweight. He was never really present in my upbringing either. Didn’t bother becoming very involved under the pretext of ‘you need to grow up quickly and learn to be independent instead of expecting your parents to spoon-feed.’”

“Never tried to help me with my extracurricular interests (which embitters me even more when I read about people like NBA players having fathers that did so much to support their passion), and I can’t imagine myself doing any less for my own son, especially if I didn’t have a job to occupy my attention anyway.”

From his perspective, his father stopped caring about him after he turned 12.

As a result, he said he has very little love for his father and does not want to support or care for him in old age. 

He argued that becoming a parent was his father’s choice, and since his father had done only the “bare minimum” throughout most of his upbringing, he did not believe he owed him anything in return.

“I have very little love for him, and don’t come preaching filial piety to me, please. I’m not entertaining that BS,” the son wrote. “I don’t owe him anything when he pretty much did the bare minimum for me as a father for most of my upbringing.”

He then asked Redditors what the Maintenance of Parents Act entails and whether it would be illegal for him to refuse to support his father. He also wanted to know if there was any way to avoid such an obligation under the law.

“He sounds like he has depression”

In the discussion thread, one Redditor said they had once been in the post author’s position.

They shared that their parents divorced when they were 12 and their father disappeared from their lives shortly afterwards. Years later, they received a letter from the Family Court and attended mediation. 

There, they told the mediator they would be willing to support their father only if he could prove he had supported them during their childhood.

“I went and told my side of the story. Told the mediator that I’m willing to support my deadbeat father if he can show proof that he supported me when I was young. He didn’t have proof. Case closed. I wasn’t called again.”

Another wrote that the post author could perhaps circumvent the act since his father neither contributed financially nor helped with the housework and was largely absent from his life. However, they noted that the post author would need to “have proper documentation.”

As per the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF), amendments to the Maintenance of Parents Act passed on July 4, 2023 prevent parents who abused, abandoned or neglected their children from seeking financial support from them.

Under the law, such parents must first obtain permission from the Tribunal for the Maintenance of Parents (TMP) before proceeding with a claim. The changes took effect on July 1, 2024.

Meanwhile, a few others expressed concern for the father, with some speculating that he could be suffering from depression.

“He sounds like he has depression. Maybe talk to him about it? It’ll be better than asking for advice from Internet strangers,” one wrote.

“All I want to say is that every person has a story. Your father, too. Maybe no one understands. Maybe he is suffering from trauma from last work experience. Maybe he also had a similar experience with his own parents. I don’t know what he went through. A lot of men find it tough to talk about their struggles,” another added.

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