‘That answer told me everything’: Singaporean woman waited 12 years for a proposal, then walked away after secret abortion

SINGAPORE: A deeply personal confession posted anonymously on the SGWhispers Facebook page has sparked a heated debate online, after a woman revealed that she ended a 12-year relationship and disappeared from her former partner’s life after undergoing an abortion without telling him she was pregnant.

Addressing her message to her ex-boyfriend, the woman said they had been together since their junior college days, remaining a couple through university and the years they spent working abroad.

She said marriage was something she had expected for years, but her partner repeatedly delayed taking the next step.

“Year after year, I asked you the same question. ‘When are we getting married?’” she wrote.

According to the woman, the answers were always variations of “not yet”, with her boyfriend citing financial goals and saying they should wait until they were financially stable. She also recalled him saying that if she became pregnant before reaching his target of accumulating S$1.5 million, “we should abort the baby”.

The relationship reached a breaking point when she discovered she was pregnant at the age of 29.

Instead of telling her boyfriend directly, she sent him a message asking, “When would you be ready to have a child?”

His response, she said, was: “It’s too early for us.”

“That answer told me everything I needed to know,” she wrote.

The woman said she booked an abortion appointment that very day. Although a counsellor encouraged her to speak to her boyfriend, she chose not to.

“Deep down, I didn’t want to hear the word ‘abortion’ come from your mouth,” she wrote. “I couldn’t survive hearing you choose financial goals over our child.”

Following the abortion, she said she struggled with overwhelming guilt and grief. While she recovered physically, she said she never recovered emotionally and eventually decided to leave both the country and the relationship behind.

After returning to Singapore, she sent her boyfriend a breakup message, changed her phone number, deleted her social media accounts and cut off all contact.

Five years later, she said her former partner had recently followed her on Instagram and that mutual friends told her he had “never really moved on” and was still looking for closure.

“The truth is, the baby was the closure,” she wrote.

The confession drew a wave of responses, with some commenters expressing sympathy for the woman and others questioning her decisions.

One supporter wrote, “I can understand how you feel. I think this is the right time to end your relationship. If a person who never intends to marry you, no point waiting.”

The commenter also criticised the ex-boyfriend, saying, “He never thinks about you, but only himself,” before encouraging the woman to move forward, adding: “Jia You! You are a strong person.”

Another commenter shared a similar story, writing: “I know of someone who had a boyfriend like this. She was with him for 12 years, but he didn’t want to settle down. She left in the end and moved on to a new relationship.”

The commenter added that the woman in that case was “39 when she left her ex-boyfriend”.

Others felt the situation was more nuanced.

One commenter described their view as an “unpopular opinion” and suggested the man may have genuinely cared for his partner but failed to recognise the seriousness of the situation.

“The guy might have been too comfortable with you and truly felt that you would support him in whatever he did to achieve the things he wanted,” the commenter wrote.

Referring to the woman’s claim that her former partner had spent years looking for closure, the commenter added: “It was quite sad that he did not realise why he lost you as a partner, but also sounded possible that he really loved you and did not realise why.”

The same commenter questioned whether the outcome would have been different had the man known about the pregnancy.

“Conversely, if he knew for a fact that you are pregnant, things might have changed.. he might have changed his plans and man up as a father and partner.”

The commenter went on to argue that “most men shy away from responsibility” when discussing hypothetical situations, but their response can be very different when confronted with reality.

“I personally feel that the man might have not realised the seriousness of your questions and your expectations,” the commenter wrote. “Expectations on both ends were not aligned.”

Some readers focused on the decision not to disclose the pregnancy before the abortion.

One commenter wrote: “Who else thinks it’s messed up that she got an abortion without even telling her ex-partner?”

“I think he deserves to know, despite whatever the circumstances,” the commenter added, suggesting that the revelation could have been “the wake-up call he needed”.

Another commenter took issue with how the woman characterised her ex-boyfriend’s role in the abortion decision. “For those who’s sympathising with the OP, I think you all should reread the post again,” the commenter wrote.

The commenter pointed out that the boyfriend had allegedly said “we should abort the baby”, not “you should abort the baby”, arguing that this implied a decision that would be made jointly and with full knowledge of the situation.

“And when she really did become pregnant, instead of just telling her boyfriend the truth, she went to ask him a rhetorical question, ‘when would you be ready to have a child?’”

The commenter argued that because the man was unaware of the pregnancy, his answer that “it’s too early for us” should not necessarily have been interpreted as a rejection of the child.

“If she had simply been honest, there could have been a discussion, and at least he’s aware,” the commenter wrote.

The commenter also criticised the woman’s decision to proceed with the abortion immediately.

“But she made a hasty appointment to abort the baby that same day and then blamed the whole thing on the boyfriend.”

The commenter added that the former partner had been left in the dark for years, writing: “Then ended the relationship with the boyfriend still in the dark that she chose to abort the child without consulting him, and made him have no closure for her disappearance for five years.”

“Sorry, I take my sympathy back,” the commenter concluded.

Other readers focused on the practical aspects of the situation.

“See, I’m really sorry for all the heartache you went through. But if you already knew that your boyfriend wasn’t in favour of getting married any time soon, why didn’t you guys use contraception?” one commenter opined, “This part I think, it’s on both of you. Getting pregnant is something preventable.”

Amid the lengthy debate, one commenter offered a concise assessment of what had gone wrong: “Sounds like lack of clear communication really.”

The post has since generated extensive discussion, with opinions split on which party bears greater responsibility for the failed relationship.