‘She makes me angry all the time’: Employer says her helper defies her, is always on the phone, and even lies

SINGAPORE: An employer took to social media to share that her domestic helper has been driving her up the wall with constant defiance, endless TikTok scrolling, and even outright lying.

Writing on the r/askSingapore subreddit on Monday (Sep 29), the employer shared that she and her husband hired a Burmese helper about four months ago after becoming new parents.

Their intention, she said, was to hire someone who is able to do “household chores, help pick up baby from infant care (IFC) if they were delayed at work, and take care of their dog.”

“We tried to do it without one but were completely exhausted after 7 months and had to keep asking for help to pick up baby,” she wrote. “After my mum complained about the frequency of help we needed, we decided to hire a helper.”

However, while the helper did ease the burden of chores, she later started to resent the helper’s presence as the problems kept piling up.

The employer explained that her helper often handled things roughly, which led to broken plates and glasses. Her fridge was also badly scratched after the helper used the rough side of a sponge to clean it, and a lamp was broken without her being told.

On top of that, she said the helper was constantly on her phone. “I see her on TikTok all the time. We don’t regulate her use of phone because we think that as adults, you should have the understanding to not use your phone during work and only use it during your free time.”

“And we also believe that using your phone does not indicate how good you are as a helper. Like, if you’re good at what you do, you’d do it well even if you have access to your phone, but unfortunately, she uses it excessively, often watching videos while doing chores, which tbh is not a problem IF she does her job well, but nope, always messy, dirty, forgetting to complete her chores,” she complained.

There were also hygiene concerns. Despite repeated reminders, the helper continued to dump food waste into the kitchen sink before clearing it later, and she ignored instructions to use separate chopping boards for raw and cooked food.

Thinking the problem might be communication, the couple agreed to send the helper for English lessons, especially since she herself had asked to learn, but the employer said that after two weeks, the helper admitted she had stopped studying. 

“After first two weeks, we don’t see her practice or study anymore. When I asked her, she said she hasn’t been studying and told her off that she asked to go for class, then she should at least try to revise.”

As if this whole situation wasn’t already a headache, the employer shared that her helper would also constantly ignore simple instructions. For example, she told her many times not to rile up their anxious Singapore Special, but the helper would still do it on purpose, leaving the poor dog worked up for no reason. 

She also asked her “not to overexcite” their baby, who is usually calm and happy, but instead the helper kept playing with him in a way that made him hyper and difficult to manage.

On top of that, she said the helper even resorted to lying over small things, such as insisting that their “baby pillow had no casing” when it clearly did, only for the employer to later find the casing packed away in the helper’s room.

“I went through the packed items (they are all in boxes or bags in her room) and the first thing I unpacked was the said pillow casing. When she returned, I showed it to her and I said: ‘I found this here. Did you pack this here and forget?”

“She: looks at it for a while [and said], ‘No ma’am, I no pack this!’ Anyway, this is one such incidents where I actually feel gaslit. Honestly, didn’t need her to know where everything is, just needed her to say ‘I never see, but I find for you’ that is it?” 

She ended her post by asking other employers if it was time to change helpers. 

“Is it time to change to a different helper? This is the 5th month, and I think my tolerance for her is almost gone. She makes me so angry all the time that I hate being at home, and I really hate that my son is going to see me behave this way all the time,” she said.

“I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I am thankful that she has helped offload my physical chores. Maybe I have ‘pampered’ her too much by being too nice, but right now, I don’t trust her, and I feel exhausted mentally.”

“Hiring a helper is supposed to alleviate your burden, not stress you out more.”

Finding her helper extremely problematic and thinking that it’s already too late or even futile to start setting stricter boundaries and instructions, many Singaporean Redditors advised the employer to change her helper immediately.

One said that her helper’s case is already a lost cause, writing, “It is also too late because it’s been a few months — if you impose any boundaries now, she’ll resent you and potentially take it out on your baby. Just change.”

Another commented, “In my honest opinion, the current helper and you are not compatible. You’ve given it a go for 5 months. Best to move on. My advice is to treat the next one as a brand new slate.”

They added, “Set aside time to train her and guide her on your expectations. Most of them are not educated to Singapore standards and will require massive handholding and supervision. Don’t expect her to be able to pick up and start running on day 1.”

A third wrote, “Yes, I think you should change. Hiring a helper is supposed to alleviate your burden, not stress you out more. That said. Perhaps for the next helper, you could omit caring for the dog as her duties. Not many people are capable/comfortable of taking care of a Singapore special, especially one that is skittish and easily anxious.”

Disputes with domestic helpers

When disagreements arise between employers and their domestic helpers, Ms K. Jayaprema, President of the Association of Employment Agencies, encourages employers to address the matter early instead of letting frustrations build up. 

She suggests sitting down for a proper conversation, giving the helper space to share her side of the story and taking the time to explain your own perspective in a calm and respectful way.

If talking it out still does not resolve the issue, employers are advised to seek help from their employment agency for further support.

Read also: 25 y/o fresh grad finds his S$5.2k-paying job ‘incredibly mundane,’ asks if he should stay or seek something more stimulating