‘They behave like kids’: Woman says all her male exes treated her like a mum not a GF

SINGAPORE: For one 29-year-old woman, dating hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing. Looking back at her past relationships, she realised that with her three male exes, she often ended up playing the role of a mum instead of an actual girlfriend.

Sharing her story on the r/sgdatingscene subreddit, she explained that she has dated four people in her life—three men and one transgender woman. Of them, she said her longest and most fulfilling relationship was with the transgender woman, who is now her best friend.

“This is the only one [relationship] where I’ve felt we were equals,” the woman wrote, adding that her ex-girlfriend was also the most capable and emotionally mature partner she had ever been with.

By contrast, her three ex-boyfriends—who were all seven to nine years older than her—acted more like children than adults. 

“In all these relationships, I looked after them emotionally and financially… or in any way possible. They seemed to be looking for mommas, not a girlfriend. You would think that men their age would be competent enough to at least find an entry-level job (one even had a master’s) or not be so childish in terms of communication (they would throw man tantrums or cold shoulder/stonewall me),” she wrote.

“I’m not sure if it’s because I tend to be drawn to guys who have a soft edge to them, but in some cases, they end up being passive, have low self-esteem, which leads to not being go-getting… I don’t know la.”

The woman also clarified that she didn’t end these relationships on impulse. Before walking away, she raised her concerns several times and made it clear that while she might tolerate certain behaviours in the short term, she wasn’t truly okay with them. She even gave her partners time to work on themselves.

Unfortunately, nothing ever changed. Over time, her boundaries were pushed to the limit, and she eventually realised she no longer had the bandwidth to continue being in those relationships.

Still, rather than place all the blame on her exes, the woman has chosen to examine her own role in these situations.

“I believe that every situation that happens requires the synergy of all parties involved, so instead of blaming them, I’m looking within and wondering why it’s like that… is there something about myself I have to change?” she asked the Reddit community.

“I’m not urgently looking for a partner, if at the end of the day I don’t have one I don’t care either, but if I do, how do I get one who is open-minded, accepting, responsible for himself at least (I’m quite independent so I can take care of myself, I don’t need a guy to take care of me, he just needs to settle himself enough), smart and mature?”

“The only variable you can change is yourself.”

In the comments, some Singaporean Redditors argued that her exes probably never truly loved her, pointing out that if they had, they wouldn’t have behaved the way they did.

One said, “When guys like a girl, they really go all out in providing for the girl, like even to the smallest things, like Bubble Tea for instance.. they will insist that they pay for everything she wants if they like her so much. You just haven’t met the right guy yet, I believe.. I don’t think you have to change who you are…just be patient for the right one to arrive.”

Another said, “In my honest opinion, you just didn’t meet the right guy. Maybe they were ‘not ready’ at the time they were with you?”

To avoid repeating the same mistakes, some also advised her to communicate her expectations openly during the early stages of a relationship.

One wrote, “Okay, next time before you dive into [a] relationship with a guy, like during your talking stage, discuss with the guy regarding his and your financial habits/expectations, so you are more aware and the same thing doesn’t repeat again. Just use your past experience as a guide so you know what you wanna avoid and keep moving forward.”

In other news, a local took to social media to question whether Singapore’s job market is truly in dire straits, after discovering that two of his friends — both fresh National University of Singapore (NUS) graduates — had turned down job offers that paid below S$5,000 a month.

Although news headlines often highlight that there is a rising unemployment among graduates, he said his peers seemed confident enough to reject positions they deemed ‘underpaying.’

Read more: Local questions state of job market as fresh NUS grads reject jobs paying under $5K